Monday, November 06, 2006

Stuck in my Eurotrash Prison


I haven't written in a while, and I feel compelled to write about some bullshit. This post may have a few completely unrelated topics, so hold your comments until the end.

Topic One: Eurotrash rikey Tokyo

This one is from when I was in Don Quixote last night. Yeah, sounds like some strange shower scene in 15th century Spain, but there's store in Japan called Don Quixote which sells stuff that you might find in a dollar store, only for more than a dollar. Basically a general store consisting of cheap plastic goods made in China for a reasonable price. I was downstairs waiting for my friend to come down to the front, and this dude walks by with what I can only describe as a Billy Idol sneer wearing what I can only describe as something picked up out of Tyler Durden's laundry hamper. You know, camel hair jacket, weird flowered button up shirt unbuttoned down to the middle.
He had this Japanese girl with him who was dressed like a straight up prostitute, and he was mean-mugging everyone as he walked out. He was probably 5'7 and weighed 130lbs at the most, but he sure did look mad. I was standing there minding my own business with a bag of cream puffs in one hand (a present for bringing my friend some supplements) and a bag containing bottled water in the other, with my normal bored-waiting-for-someone look on my face. He seemed to take particular interest in me, and locked eyes with me as he walked out and turned the corner. I wonder what he was thinking? "I know you weren't checkin out my hot ass girlfriend. I will cut you." Well, hipster, everyone was checking out your girlfriend because she looked like some sort of Intergalactic Spacewhore. No one does fucked up apparel ensembles quite like the Japanese, who have a tendency to over-do just about everything. It's in their character. This girl was no different. I looked away after a second, because I'm not really sure what this guy was all about. Was he the confrontational type? Was he going to walk over and ask me what my problem was? Was he going to threaten me? I could have found all that out, but instead I just looked away. It's just easier that way. I hope though, Mr Eurotrash, that you pull that shit with a few friends of mine, who have no sense and will gladly put your face in the concrete. Guys like Mr Euro are either a) pussies who bluff or b) on borrowed time. Running around Tokyo mean-mugging everyone might last for a while, because Japanese people aren't weird about mean-mugging like we are, but this guy reminds me of the typical assface from abroad who's forgotten his Ps and Qs. He's been running around Tokyo acting a fool and acting tough for so long, he's forgotten himself cuz no one's slapped him in the mouth. Me? I'm docile. I don't want any problems. I just want to buy some water and bring some cream puffs home, where I can consume my plunder with no bumps or bruises. But there are a limited amount of guys like me running around, and I hope he gets smart soon. Did part of me want to stare him down and see what would happen? Did I want to do something that would make him approach me in a threatening way so I could somehow justify whatever absurd over-reaction I'd likely produce in the middle of Don Quixote, just for the amusement of myself and my friend who was upstairs with his girlfriend? Of course. I'm all about the "story". But you just gotta let some things go. Does it bother me that some douchebag with no style and a skanked out girl might feel emboldened by my apathy? Not in the least. If anything, I encourage it.

Topic Two: There are only two types of people who wear sunglasses at night.

Blind people and assholes. My friend Tim said that the other week at a club we were in, and I got a big kick out of it. Kind've goes along with topic one in a way, because the aforementioned Eurotrash are major culprits. A lot of Japanese dudes do it too. Not only does it not look cool, but it inhibits a person's sight. I could understand if they were a clubbin' albino and the lights bothered their corneas or whatever, but they're not. They're just assholes.

So I guess that means albinos can wear sunglasses at night too, God bless 'em.

Topic Three: I purchased Season 1 of Prison Break and watched the entire thing with the ladyfriend

I won't say it was "great". I'll say it was "pretty good". Yeah, it hooked me, but there were a few things that got on my nerves, the biggest of which were how they covered up weird plot holes and explained the unexplainable.

  • "Genius"

    OK, so the main character's a genius, which explains how he can pull crazy shit out of his ass and foresee everything. I'm sorry, but I'd like something a little more complicated than "well he's a genius" to explain whenever he does something totally badass. I guess the human elements (pedophiles, psychopaths, mafiosos, crooked cops, etc) that are mucking up his plan make it interesting, but I like my protagonists to have flaws. And not flaws that enhance him somehow or endear him to the audience, like a weakness for saving puppies and giving ice cream to Ethiopians. No. I want something weird and debilitating, cuz everyone has a few of those flaws. Everyone I know that is brilliant in some way has a side of their personality that is completely fucked up and disfunctional, and this guy shouldnt be any different. Another thing that kinda goes along with that is the fact that we don't really know anything that he did before going to prison, so the producers can conveniently throw it in there to explain whatever he happens to be doing. "Oh, you see we didn't tell you this, but he married a stripper from Prague who's his outside contact and can deliver weird shit to him on the inside during conjugal visits." Wow, this guy thinks of everything! I wonder what else he thought of in preparation for his incarceration that we're going to find out to explain his next zany antics!!

  • "The Government"

    Ok, I'm sure the government has some powerful influence and is capable of a lot of shadiness in real life, but I have my limits. And I'm not saying this out of some weird loyalty to the US of A. I'm talking about these weird, sancrosanct GMen running around invincibly with carte blanche to do whatever they want with the gadgets to be anywhere and find anyone. Also, for those of you who watched it, did you notice that the one Secret Service guy threatened to kill his partner no less than twice? "If you keep talking like that, I'm gonna have to put a bullet in your head". And he threatened to throw him down a well. I'm not even a cold blooded GMan killer and I wouldn't put up with that bullshit. If the chubby GMan were a cold blooded killer, and I assume he is because he blasted that one woman in the woods and didn't seem to have too much problem wasting folks left and right, he wouldn't puss out if his partner started talking shit. I've met my share of Type-A whackjobs that would likely fill these jobs, and they don't get to be weirdo type-A whackjobs by being pussies and letting people walk on them. And they certainly don't have normal homelives. This whole "Oh, I'm just a normal, every day guy with a picture perfect family who happens to be a fucking hitman" thing in Hollywood is getting a little bit tired. It makes normal people think, in some weird fantasy of theirs, that they can be a super-secret covert spy. Then they run around and talk about the "intel and spec ops" community like they could be a part of it, but they just choose not to be cuz Jennifer Garner can pull off the soccermom/superspy bit seamlessly. Normal, well adjusted people don't run around killing people with no remorse. They're called sociopaths. And they probably don't make good parents.

    All in all, it was "Good". Do I want to see the next season? Yes I do. Unless they spend an entire season hatching a plan that eventually fails but miraculously coincides with his brother's stay of execution, cuz then they could pretty much do the show indefinitely. I kind've thought it was going to be a little bit better, but it wasn't a bad way to spend a weekend.

    So what do you guys think? Wanna beat up some sunglasses-wearing-Eurotrash and plan a daring escape from prison? I'm down.

  • * yeah i know it's sting


    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I've never seen Prison Break, but I'm almost through season 2 of Rescue Me- that is a must see.

    Your sister

    11:18 PM  
    Anonymous Tony said...

    I'm with you on the sociopath business. There was a documentary on HBO where this guy went into prison and interviewed a mafia hitman they called "The Iceman". He could kill anyone and never really think about it again. If you ever get the opportunity to see it, watch it. It's very enlightening... and kind of scary.

    8:04 AM  
    Blogger Paul said...

    yeah, being around sociopaths is a little unnerving. i worked with a few in afghanistan. we had these angolan guys that we worked with (picture here). they were enlisted by the south african apartheid government to serve in 1 of 2 battalions (with white officers) because white-on-black crime was pissing off the international community. SA's response? make it black-on-black violence, problem solved! anwyay, the white SAs in afghanistan would always state (politely) how they felt about someone, and you could tell they respected someone pretty much by how scared they were of them. anwyay, they talked about how the angolans were child soldiers and had been running around killing people since they were like 8. they said they loved them during apartheid because they would do absolutely anything they were told with no hesitation or compunction, but they were a bit "off" because, the whites said, when someone starts killing when they're that young, it's all they think about, and that they're complete sociopaths. now they work as mercenaries in Africa and for american contracting companies in the middle east!

    i always got the willies when i was around the angolans. they didnt say much and just kindve stared through you/whatever they were looking at, like some weird killer androids. they didnt speak much english so conversations weren't all that great. the middle guy in the picture, jaime, was a sgt maj in the angolan battalion and highly respected (almost revered) in the company i worked with. they used to go to the PX on camp phoenix and buy outrageously expensive electronics equipment that they had no idea how to use. like a $600 digital camera, even tho they had no laptop. i saw him on the catwalk one day staring at it like it was an object from startrek, so i explained to him how to use it. i wasnt sure if he was thankful or if he wanted to cut out my liver and eat it. the guy on the left, castro, was missing his right index finger cuz it got shot off in a firefight. and the guy on the right, paulo, man he was just a little frightening. i tried talking to him at dinner one time and i couldnt tell if he was enjoying his meal or plotting my grizzly murder. he wore those gold rim aviator sun glasses that you see all those crazy africans running around in on the movies.

    me and little joe used to swear in afrikaans and portuguese (they speak portuguese in angola) to make them laugh (they thought it was absolutely hysterical), but i was pretty confident theyd have no qualms about cutting off our arms with machetes if they were told to do so or they needed a couple minutes to waste.

    8:56 AM  
    Blogger Paul said...

    ps: i should also mention that they were also very small, maybe 5'6-5'7. creepy.

    8:57 AM  
    Blogger brando said...

    Yeah, I noticed a few eurotrashers too. Maybe it was just the club scene that was bringing them out.

    9:25 AM  
    Anonymous cory said...

    I don't know what you're problem is with the Government always being evil in TV shows and movies. That's not even an issue. The government is always evil. That's like having an asian in your show and him not knowing karate. Or a large multinational corporation that cares about people and the environment. Unthinkable.

    They're just portraying reality.

    Also, Theodore Bagwell is easily my favorite character. Every week after the show I chase mary around talking like T-bag.

    12:12 AM  
    Blogger Dr. Idio said...

    So these angolans (being such small men), aren't the least bit intimidated by the much larger American (in the absense of a weapon)? Or do they just think your soft? Or just don't knwo to know any better? I mean you seem like a sizable guy.

    8:03 AM  
    Blogger Paul said...

    dr idio-- i cant really say for sure, 'cuz i never saw them in any sort of confrontations or whatever. im only 5'9 but most of the [white] south africans we worked with were well over 6'0, and they were a little weary of the angolans. i dont think it's a matter of size, i think it's a matter of compunction and conscience (namely lack there of). or maybe it's just because the dutch SAs considered any "non-whites" as being generally subhuman. they kinda had the attitude like, "oh yes, he's squared away and nice, but you must realize that he is not like us and he cannot be treated as i would treat you. every so often we must remind him of that." just a mild example -- they used to come up with shit far more shocking than that. my favorite one was when one of the guys was going thru this list of 6 physical features (aside from the obvious) of how to "recognize a black". it sounded like something out of one of those weird nazi classrooms for identifying "der juden". i asked him why on earth he would need to know this, and he replied "i dunno, in case they tried to infiltrate us or something." one of the examples he said was, "their mouth is further forward than their nose, which is an adaptation from rending flesh from animal bones." i was absolutely floored that someone in 2005 was standing there telling me this.

    cory-- you would choose an inbred half-mongoloid as your favorite character. i admit that i like him too, just cuz he's so fucked up. the next time im in town let's walk around holding eachothers pockets.

    9:25 AM  
    Blogger Jinxy said...

    There are three types of people who wear sunglasses at night:

    Blind people.


    And Corey Hart, who needs them so he can, so he can, watch you live and breathe your storylines.

    10:03 AM  
    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    In honor of the fact that one of the most amazing movies of all time is soon to be released ("300" in March by none other than Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller).. I shall dish out my SA(circa 1980s)/Spartan theory.
    So the SAs are just like the Spartans. Tiny ruling class(Spartiates), running a huge populace that was considered "sub-human" to them. Spartans/SAs were big burly warriors, bred for their fighting skills, not particularly their higher cognition ability, and we all know that a good warrior is smart...but not smart enough to start questioning why he is freezing-starving-tired-bored etc...
    But the Spartiates had underlings. Well trained fighters that were desperate to prove themselves in battle and win favor or status. Enter the Angolans. The first guys I have ever met that truly live up to the idea of being willing to do what the next guy is not.
    I try not to involve myself in conversations about our current occupation of the Middle East, but when I do I love pointing out the absurdity of the American fighting mentality. It's ok to firebomb Tokyo killing 100,000 in one nite, but the entire country shits its pants if we write slogans on the side of the bomb. There are examples of this double-standard everywhere.
    But, the Angolans that we met had no compunction with doing everything necessary to accomplish whatever they had to do. Rocco talked about sending them into rebel villages because they would take it upon themselves to personally kill every man, woman, child, pig, and goat. Then they would burn the village flat. I can't imagine thinking like that. Their response to a failed bombing attempt on one of our convoys was to round up all the local farmers and start pulling mock executions. I think the only reason they weren't actually shooting them was because the SAs didn't want to loose their jobs over it.

    I don't consider myself naive in the ways of the world but damn...


    1:41 PM  
    Blogger Paul said...

    i like your spartan analogy but it's pretty limited. did you know that spartans were so into manlove that when they finally got married, the wife would shave her head and would hang out in a darkened tent until her new husband took a trip over from the warriors lodge to give her the business? then he'd cruise back over to the chow hall to drink meade and walk around holding his mentor's tunic-loop. the head shaving thing was an institutionalized way to transition from gaydom to straightdom, and it probably explains your penchant for hitting on bulldykes.

    Their response to a failed bombing attempt on one of our convoys was to round up all the local farmers and start pulling mock executions.

    hmm, i guess they were farmers -- they were 3 teenage boys who were watching in the bushes. apparently the angolans (castro and paulo) almost beat them to death, and would have, had the SAs not made them stop. then they started doing mock executions.

    but you're right, several of them were planning on killing all 3 of them but the site manager wouldn't allow it. so they just did mock executions. humane guys.

    oh, the stories.

    jinxy-- corey hart wanted to marry you but you voted against it so now he cant.

    2:29 PM  
    Blogger Dr. Idio said...

    So Paul, I appologize for the intrusion here but there's something facinating about this angolan thing and the question, "what is it". Anonymous mentioned the Spartans, but what comes to my mind is the Hebrews... If you go to the book of Joshua, (the bloodiest and most horrible book of the bible), you'll find that the Hebrews, in the name of God himself (and written in graphic detail) marched into cannan, defeated the armies there, then proceeded to go into the Cannanite towns and slaughter (this is the terminology the use) every last man, woman, child and beast that lived, and followed it up by leveling the towns. It's one thing to kill the enemy army, but yet another to slaughter the innocent. So what is that? I mean in one sense these angolans are murderous senseless bastards, but in another they're simply following a pattern of history which, according to the bible, was completely acceptable and normal behavior at one time. I'm reaching here obviously, but you know what I'm sayin'. You seem like a guy who having seen such things first hand, and given your writing, has given these things some deep thought and I'm curious to know you thoughts on, I don't know, that human phenomenon I guess. Is it what it is, or is there something more? Or should I shut the fuck up?

    8:17 AM  
    Blogger Paul said...

    dr idio- you definitely shoud NOT shut the fuck up. this stuff fascinates me too.

    another case of that is Bamiyan in Afghanistan. when we went there i was wondering why everyone looked like they were mongolian. like no shit asian. check my pictures and click on "Bamiyan". apparently when genghis khan was down there his grandson got killed (or his grandson's son was killed or soemthing) -- anyway one of the khans had a relative killed -- and he responded by killing EVERYONE. so the people who are there now are direct descendents from the garrison he kinda left down there and forgot about. they're actually shi'a muslims now and speak Dari (like an old version of persian farsi). let's just say they suffered under the taliban, who said it was a-ok to kill them cuz they werent sunni (and not poshto). they were basically a servant class in kabul until fairly recently. check out Kite Runner on for a really good story involving hezarahs...

    as for people having some natural inclination to wipe out other races... im not sure... animals do it all the time... id like to think that humans are above that, but im more realistic than that. when left to their own devices, humans are completely fucked up.

    9:46 AM  
    Blogger Dr. Idio said...

    That’s cool, you have quite a catalog of shit here.

    It seems to me that people in groups live within these, lets call them cultural immune systems. As if the culture as a whole is “the beast”, that is to say “the organism”. That “values” which are contained within that system represent the nature and composition of that organism, and the cultural immune system is that “thing” that leads too all this, shit, that shit we’re talking about. In other words, my body is a cultural immune system with a value to live, and it kills ruthlessly anything in it’s path in the name of continued living, i.e., the cold, the flu, blab bla bla, it doesn’t kill the worst and leave a scab behind for good, it desolves that as well. And beyond that cultural immune system is the system of you, me, that guy, and the fucker over there with the gas face and Billy Idol doo who has nothing more than a small dick and just so happens to be Euro trash, which is nothing more then the third at best to the largest cultural immune system on earth. So he has inbred at birth a feeling of inadequacy. Even though I’m a 6 foot 230 pound bumpkin, I’m American, and didn’t have to scrounge for peanuts in the sand so I can look away and still have my pride – but he has to stick a fork in your liver cuz that’s all he ever had, his cultural immune system has been fighting for survival since birth, and he’s nothing more then a pawn of that system, a fighter of the flu.
    While you an I, Americans, don’t need forks, cuz we soak bastards up in a sort of symbiotic relationship, that is, we don’t kill em all and rebuild, we just put up a mc deez and star bucks, and like a cold to the Ny Quil, it eventually gives in and sleeps to the beast that is America. I don’t know, I’m babbling meaninglessly.

    10:44 AM  
    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Limited? I gave you a down and dirty version to keep the story short because I know you have an attention span issue. However, I find it fascinating that your vast intelligence seems to center around ancient man-humping practices...

    Dr. Idio- Great post. I promise to cite my source but I'm going to spread around the "Cultural Immune System" analogy. Good stuff.

    12:02 AM  
    Blogger Paul said...

    joe's source = his ass, from which he talks

    3:39 PM  

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