Monday, October 16, 2006

Fear the Manslap...

Looking at this picture really brought back a lot of memories of Afghanistan, mainly because, like, these people are obviously from there.

One thing I always got a kick out of in Afghanistan was the fact that anytime you drove past a huge group of kids, like when school was getting out or something, there were at least 2 kids that were no-shit going at it. Like for real. Like "I'm trying to injure you." The kids there beat the dogshit out of each other all the time. There are a lot of fights in the streets too, between adults. I liked it because for the most part, Afghans were pretty chill folks. Chill folks that like beating the crap out of each other and killing Russians.

One common form of physical expression down there is the Manslap, as shown in the above picture. This picture is a fine demonstration of a calmy administered manslap, complete with de-hatting, which makes anything more funny. Notice, if you will, the slapper's calm demeanor. He believes he is clearly in the right, because the slapee has committed some sort of greivous transgression. He's issued his slap with all the confidence he needs to assure that his message has gone through, loud and clear. His manslap must have also come from no where. This is a post-manslap picture, and the slapee's hands are only raised slightly. What speed! We are dealing with a professional.

Most of my friends know that I'm an advocate of the manslap, but that one must wield it very responsibly, like any sort of physical force. Manslaps are very, very powerful. Again, use them responsibly. Do you have a manslap story? I'd like to hear it. And yeah Joe, I already know yours. Or rather a few of them. There are so many.

So what happened this weekend? Well, the lady friend went back to her home town, so I hung out around Tokyo, trained on Friday evening and Saturday morning, then had a bit of a boozefest on Saturday night. I think I was pretty dehydrated and I was a cheap date, and the night turned into the typical "Paul says absurd things to people all night" show. I played my favorite "Pretend to mishear what people say and repeat back something outrageous or vulgar" game. I also played my other favorite, namely the "Tell the group of girls that your friends are talking to that you're really all homosexuals, and describe what you do to each other without letting your friends in on the joke" game. Oh, and another gem, which is the old "dry heave out of a cab window" game.

The cabby was getting a little nervous up there in the front seat, cuz I was mouth-sweating and sticking my head out the window. I looked at him and said, with the confidence similar to that of a seasoned doctor about to perform a simple procedure, "Don't worry -- I do this all the time. It's just routine," and proceeded to have myself a little bit of an ab workout. I hit the hay at about 5am, feeling none too good, and woke up at around 11am, feeling surprisingly spry and not-too-bad. A heaping bowl of noodles and a cup of joe later, I was ready to roll. And by ”ready to roll" I mean "ready to lay around and watch TV all day in my underwear and marvel at my brontosaurus-like constitution."

Oh yeah, and I took a picture of this too, for Mr Tony's T-shirt collection:

Smoke is billowing from a stand ashtray. If it were my home, I wouldn't be so calm.

Yeah, it's a retarded analogy, I know. Cuz we don't live in stand ashtrays. At least most of us don't.



Blogger Hammer said...

I have neither given nor received a manslap. And while I know it's a pretty tired pop culture reference at this point, I'm a little surprised you didn't go this direction with the photo.

11:42 PM  
Blogger brando said...

I’ve told this story a couple of times, and I can’t really say I’m real proud of it. In gym class in jr high, some kid named ditchweed, announced that he was going to kick my ass. I wanted to nip the situation in the bud, so I walked up to him and slapped him. Everyone goes “ooooohhhh”, and he paused for what seemed like 3-5 seconds, deciding if it really happened. So I slapped him again. I thought for sure that he was going to try to double-leg me, but he didn’t say or do anything. I just changed my clothes and went to gym class.

Actually, years later he was hell bent on causing trouble for me. It may have stemmed from this single event.

Not really a man slap, more like a kid slap.

5:00 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

Another good example of a manslap is in tombstone, when kurt russel manslaps the bejesus out of billy bob thornton in the street.

i always say that there are two possible responses to a manslap: do nothing, which is what happened in brando's case, or escalate was done to them. this is why the manslap must be used with caution. it's emasculating, so be careful. people will respond irrationally or not at all, so assume the worst.

7:37 AM  
Blogger brando said...

oh, I was ready for a fight. In fact, I was really suprised that he did nothing. I was so suprised that all I could think to do was to slap him again.

As far as I was concerned, the fight started the momemnt he said that he was going to kick my ass.

I haven't slapped anyone since then, in case you're wondering. I'm not really in the slapping buisness. I think that it's a lot worse than a punch.

12:50 PM  
Blogger Paul said...

yes, which is why it should be used with great caution. if a man gets punched, he can accept it, because men punch men, and men get punched. that's why we have terms like "taking it on the chin". taking a punch isnt necessarily a bad thing. if you can take a punch and stand there and just look at your opponent, you've essentially won, because you've taken his attempt at violence and not been effected by it. such is not the case when one does not react after being slapped, because instead of reacting in a manly fashion to a manly reaction, you've reacted like a little baby to an action that bitchifies someone.

im not really sure how to articulate this, but im sure you all know what i mean.

i like how the only reaction you could muster to a non-reaction slap was ... another slap.
"ok.. hm, that didnt go quite as i planned. what to do. oh, i know."
"hmm, ok then.. no reaction. i guess ill just change clothes and leave."

trying to get someone to fight you and having it fail is strange, because you're all worked up for it. its like going to a steakhouse and looking to pig out, and getting a cup of icecream instead. icecream is yummy, but not as satisfying as a steak, which you were hoping for.

ps: your car's dumb

1:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I believe the reason that the man-slap is so emasculating is because of the amount of force required. A good punch implies that the puncher believes his adversary so powerful that only a blow utilizing all his strength would have any effect. An open-handed slap to the face requires little force (unless your in Afghanistan I guess) sending the slappee into a downward spiral of self doubt concerning his masculinity and what kind of presence he has...

Of course this is all speculation. I would have to crunch the numbers again..


2:04 PM  
Blogger Paul said...

hmm, I think you might want to re-calculate the numbers using the "manslap" variable. a "manslap" is issued with a great deal of force. you may have been inserting the data for "pimpslap" or "bitchslap," both of which are different values.

i witnessed an afghan manslap in that was issued at a full run. that was amazing. there was a formation of policeman that weren't doing what they were told, and this 'general' (everyone's a general there) ran into the formation at full bore and slapped some random dude like 4 times. i kinda felt bad for the guy - he didnt seem to really know what was going on.

2:46 PM  
Anonymous uncle mike said...

O.K.......the term "manslap" has been described and analyzed Ad Nauseum, but I feel I must insert this little gem. Actually, I can't ever remember slapping another man, I've always thought of it as a warning.It's been shown to me that it's wiser to do nothing(unless forcfully abused) or to render the other harmless without warning....Anyway, you guys fuckin slay me...good stuff!

2:56 PM  
Blogger Jinxy said...


I love it.

I've never given nor received a manslap. But I've had plenty of girls and strippers slap the shit out of me.

Must have been something I said...

11:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My follow-up reaearch has lead to the following example of the 'bitchslap' or 'pimpslap'.

It may not have been delivered at full run, but it looks like it is delivered with quite a bit of force and seemed to have had the desired effect.

Thre are also the following definitions for bitchslap:

and no coresponding definition to 'manslap' either in the urban dictionary or wikipedia.

I think you should educate the world using your picture as an example.


1:37 AM  
Anonymous Tony said...

Alright Paul, this thread is a little old so I don't know if you're going to see this but I have to tell you anyway. I was reading BlackBelt magazine in a Walgreen's one day and they had an entire article on the manslap. It was written as an interview with this guy who had been a bouncer and a bodyguard for 25 years. He said he almost exclusively uses the man slap to de-escalate a violent situation. Here is my summary of his logic:

He claims that most of the time when a guy is causing trouble (in a club for instance) he's doing it in a large part to impress his buddies. You don't want to get tied up in a fight with him then, especially one that goes to the ground because buddies like to stomp and sucker punch. He said the best way was to just slap a MoFo. And the force? He says 90% of the time his Manslap sends the guy to the ground because he knows how to do it right. Then the guy on the ground has to get up thinking that he just got "bitchslapped" to the ground in front of all of his friends. He's totally emasculated and the bouncer has now declared dominance. His buddies are thinking wow if he can slap someone down like that what would happen if he punched me? The guys said usually the buddies that don't just run away pick their man up off the ground, apologize and leave.

I thought that was the coolest article ever. By the way, it included step by step instructions, with pictures, on how to properly execute a manslap. Fucking awesome.

3:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I manslapped roberto ibale last night for sleeping with his sister in the basement. It was an ugly situation and I had to administer it for fear of his mailman dad beating him with a lead pipe instead.

4:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey guys I think Screech woulndn't of got his ass beat if he were Roberto Ibale Jr. Cause Roberto the so called 'playboy of magic' baloon tricks thinks he's the filipino dream but he's 30 years old and lives with his parents in markham because he didn't graduate mcgivney high school. He also drives his dad's mazda protege and the clutch is burned out cause he can't drive standard for 2 shits. You can find himtrying to get in by guestlist with his XL1 camera or STOLEN PD150 Sony camera from International Academy of Design on Friday or saturday nights at any asian club (Tonic, republik, inside etc). He wears a big fat silver chain from the pet store and a black baseball cap backwards to hide his receeding hairline. If you ask him straight up where the film footage is going he won't say anything but he jacks off to it every night while fingering his sister in the basement.

7:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

fuck this shitty blog:

pics 4 u

3:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ANYONE WHO BUYS HP LAPTOPS BE PREPARED FOR NO SERVICE OR SUPPORT, FAILING VIDEO CARDS/FRIED MOTHERBOARDS AND OVERHEATING PROBLEMS. ONCE THE LAPTOP DIES (DUE TO DESIGN FLAWS such as fried video chips (RYAN GRAPHICS CARD REPAIR THAT THEY DON”T HONOR ANYMORE on the ZD7000), power outlet arcing (due to shitty power plugin) and lcd displays coming apart from heat (hahaha how bad can you get?) HP case managers who lick each others bungholes while trying to find every excuse in the book to not honor their warranty will tell you “SORRY TOO BAD” your warranty is up and a gnarly HP CASE MANAGER GAYLORD in california will say..”dude we can’t help you..ok where is my latte..”


5:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ANYONE WHO BUYS HP BE PREPARED FOR NO SERVICE OR SUPPORT. ONCE THE LAPTOP DIES (DUE TO DESIGN FLAWS such as fried video chips (RYAN GRAPHICS CARD REPAIR THAT THEY DON”T HONOR ANYMORE on the ZD7000), power outlet arcing (due to shitty power plugin designs from HP engineers who got a mail-order degree in thermodynamics) and lcd displays coming apart from heat (hahaha how bad can you get?) the only thing HP case managers (who lick each others bungholes for lunch which might explain the amount of fake ass notes they put in the computer about how many times they tried to contact you)try to find every excuse in the book to not honor their warranty!! They will tell you “SORRY TOO BAD” your warranty is up (even if it is not) and a gnarly HP CASE MANAGER FAGLORD in california will say..”dude we can’t help you because you are not in the US even though we sell laptops in your country...ok where is my latte?>..” FUCK Hewlett-Packard. ZD7000, ZD8000, DV6000 are PIECES OF USA TURDSHIT FROM A SHIT COMPANY.


7:13 PM  

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