Thursday, August 31, 2006

Clash of the Trite-ans

I know some of you might think I'm -a- living in a cave and that I'm behind the times, but I saw Syriana for the first time last night, I feel obligated to write a post about it.

I know it has nothing to do with Japan, but I saw it in Japan, which makes it a valid post for this blog.

Here's my review:
It sucked.

It was a contrived, two-dimensional film with contrived, two-dimensional characters. It was trite. I was trightened. The writers spat trite game.

Let me begin by saying that I find it offensive when actors get political. Actors are famous for being actors, not politicians, but they exploit the enormous audience they have to wield influence over people who, for some reason, think that their [the actors] opinion matters or counts. Their actions and accountability are disproportionate, and they're not made responsible for their words. Let me axe you this, ye religious watchers of E!:

Did it ever occur to you that an actor's job is to be something they're not? Did it ever occur to you that there might be, I dunno, some bleed over into their reality? And that making 15 million dollars and being given god status in society might make them, eeeeh, how you say, a little off?

I would like to think that the movie was well done, but again, it was contrived. I'd say the introduction was close to two hours long, after which anyone with half a brain "figures it all out" and probably feels pretty proud of themselves. "Ah, but of course!! I've figured it out because of my geo-political savvy, and because oil companies are eeeeeeviiiiilllllll!" No. You figured it out because it was a two-dimensional story, and they led you to where they wanted to lead you. I didn't even see any of the previews, but it was obvious from the beginning (when they made the announcement about the Pakistanis losing their jobs) that the kid was gonna be a fucking terrorist. It was obvious when the kids were playing soccer and the friendly, helpful dude too them under his wing that he was singling them out to go boom at some point in the film. point.........
Newsflash, shitheads!!!

Nebulous stories involving CIA operations with unexplained, "shady" backgrounds is not a substitute for movie content!!!!!! Just because most of the viewers will sit there and say, "Wow, the CIA is so secretive and evil, I have no clue what the fuck just happened, but hey, it's the CIA, it's how they roll...did I mention they're evil?" doesn't mean it holds water or that it supports the plot. Shit. Just thinking about it renders me speechless, or if nothing else gives me some strange, rage induced case of Tourette's. Shit. Ass. Bob Saget.

The hypocrisy is what really makes my stomach hurt. I'd be curious to see how much petroleum based fuel products were burned for energy during the production of a movie "showcasing" how America does business in the Middle East. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that they weren't carpooling to and from the set in using bio-diesel or hybrids. I'm curious to see what kind of lifestyles these people live, how much energy their houses consume, and what kind of shit they buy, all the while criticizing the lavish lifestyles and frivolous spending that has become a trademark of Arab Royalty. "Oh my gawww, those Arabs are so gaudy and wasteful! Check out my chihuahua's new necklace!!"

I'm a little surprised that the Jews weren't somehow thrown in there. How on Earth could you make a movie about middle-eastern turmoil and not mention Israel!?!? Oh wait, I forgot, Hollywood is controlled by John Lovitz and his crew of J├╝den co-conspirators from a secret armored cave behind the Hollywood sign. Sure. My point here is that the best part about seeing movies and new stories that are clearly agenda-driven is to see what parts they're omitting, and why. They're very selective about who they're willing to offend, and offending a huge number of your countrymen who have bankrolled your lifestyle and supported you and your career is more attractive than pissing off a bunch of already pissed off people in the middle east. "We need to be careful, we don't want to upset a bunch of peasants in Peshawar. They'd spaz out and become insurgents and it would be our fault. They could attack our troops, and we support our troops!! Oh, Bushitler is a terrorist by the way." How about making a movie about ignorant, power hungry clerics who manipulate, use, and send the uneducated and naive to their deaths? How about instead of blaming nameless, faceless, demonized institutions and governments, we hold accountable those who can make a difference, step up, and change things? Why not talk about this kid's life story?

Does he really have a chance?

How about this one?

Clearly the result of the oil companies and secret Zionist societies who control everything..

Maybe in the new movie, they could throw in some backwoods hillbilly buggery and institutionalized misogyny for good measure? No no no, can't do that. It's much more fun to portray good looking, family oriented, hard working, down-on-their-luck kids who "have no where else to turn" but suicide bombing. Why take a dump on people who have no one to blame but themselves, when you can take a dump on your fans, your way of life, then use the bill of rights for toilet paper?

Ok, that was a little dramatic, I admit.....but that's how I roll.

I don't even know why I'm posting this. Maybe it's because I saw this movie and spent most of the time being irritated or mildly offended. I'm not insulted because of the content, I'm insulted because of how it was presented, and the pretenses the film was made under. I just wish all of this agenda driven passive-aggressive "psh, see what's happening?" bitchery bullshit would stop, and I'm mad at each and every one of you for not warning me about this movie.

More later, jerks.



Blogger brando said...

Well, you know where I stand on this.

I have to question why you paid them any money in the first place. I was rolling my eyes when I saw the trailer.

3:49 PM  
Blogger Travis said...

I didn't like this movie either. I only like happy endings. Actually, various kinds of happy endings. You know, I like to think of myself as intelligent after 8 years of college and 2 years of residency, but sometimes I almost have to get a dictionary out to read the damn blogs. Especially Eric's. Maybe I am confusing intelligence with being well educated.
Anyway, my point is that I read this whole post, but what stuck out was this little tidbit,
"...backwoods hillbilly buggery and institutionalized misogyny...".
I don't know what it means but I am going to try to use it in a sentence at least 5 times today. I could look up misogyny so I know what it means, but it is more fun not knowing.

6:45 PM  
Anonymous Cory said...

As soon as they introduced Dr. Julian Bashir from Deep Space Nine I had a hard time concentrating on the movie, and was dissapointed with the fact that he wasn't trying to get some from Dax who, while a hot woman now, was previously an old man because of her symbiote host.

When they pulled out George Clooney's fingernails that was totally gross. Oops, Spoilrtz!!!!1!!1!!!

10:33 PM  
Anonymous cory said...

Hey Paul, looks like they accepted your submission to the "Create your own RPG contest."

You should be proud.

10:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm proud of you for watching this all the way through. I couldn't stand it and turned it off. I have nothing else to say about it. It blew.

-Your Sista

11:07 PM  
Anonymous cory said...

I would like to point out that just because you don't like a movie about how oil companies are evil does not mean that oil companies are NOT evil.

Because they totally are. For reals.

Bio-D representin' for America! Peace.

1:18 AM  
Blogger Reel Fanatic said...

You're dead right about Syriana .. it did indeed suck and suck hard .. I don't mind being preached to by liberal weenies, but can you at least give me an ounce of character development to go with the swill? I just hated this cinematic abortion

7:43 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

i cant believe im getting such a reaction from this post, and no one told me what a piece of poop is was. i thought i could rely on you, my precious reader, for a little more support than this.

as far as im concerned, the only one allowed to say anything about oil companies is is cory. even tho im sure dice are from oil somehow. and action figures.

i should have turned it off in the middle, but i really hate doing that.

10:16 AM  
Blogger brando said...

Paul, you put oil on your rubber sheets and writhe around like a weirdo, so what are you talking about?

Actually that's vegetable oil, so it's for mother earth.

10:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I always love the delay factor with you Paul.
Paul: "Did anyone catch that new Spencer Tracy flick? Man did it blow. I..."
My god man. You could buy current movies from when you were in Kabulstan.

PS. Everybody got together and decided not to tell you on purpose because you're always hacking at our verbage.


11:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It could go the other way- maybe we just all assumed that you had seen it and just decided to let us suffer. I think it's one of those movies where it's such a waste of time that we try to erase it from our memories as soon as we see it. I will be better about telling you what movies suck- now that I have netflix, I'm seeing a few a week, so I promise to write full reviews. I recommend Tsotsi from S. Africa, and Little Miss Sunshine (now in theaters). I do not recommend Syriana (haha) or Last Holiday featuring Queen Latifah and LL Cool J. It would help us if we had a sense of when US movies were released in Japanistan.

-Your sista

10:17 PM  
Anonymous Tony said...

No character development, the plot was jumping around, too many damned characters, cliche CIA rogue operative plotline... all in all it was pretty much a bad movie. I agree with what you're saying... Jews are bad.

7:09 AM  
Blogger Joe said...

I am surprised by your strong reaction to this film; if you thought it was unrealistic, then why worry about how it portrayed the CIA, Arabs, or anyone else? If you just hate George Clooney for being a liberal fuck, well fine but then why watch the movie in the first place. As for being one sided-I can't see how you draw that conclusion when there is no winner in this movie and the closest thing to a good guy (George Clooney) is a complete wack-job who gets himself tortured by the dudes he hired to kill someone else. You seem pretty defensive, brother.

2:06 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

ooooooooooh ok
you think you can just be incommunicado for a year and a half and walk back into my life, patronizing me and my blog rants.

who do you think you are?!?!?!

besides, you know im not a huge fan of the CIA. they were rude to me on the phone.

7:34 AM  
Blogger brando said...

That's right. You were on my deck, and came back in and said "That guy was an asshole."

More like Central Intelligence Asshole!

12:07 PM  
Blogger Paul said...

Yes. On your deck drinking a budweiser on a Sunday at like 4pm.

Then he called me at 8am the next morning and I had my first interview while walking around in your living room in my underwear.

Here's how the phone conversation went:

"Hi, this is the CIA."
" this about the resume I posted?" (like a year and a half previous)
"Well I dunno what else it would be about."
"We have a job that might suit you, can you do a phone interview?"
"Um, sure."
"Well, you don't sound very enthused." <-- im not joking, that is exactly what he said
"Well, erm, I guess I'll gauge my level of enthusiasm when....I find out more information about the job...?" <-- I tried to sound as polite as possible saying that
"OK, I'm going to call you at 8am tomorrow."

no wonder no one likes them.

Oh goody, can I live in the beltway making $50,000 a year and be treated like a moron for the honor of working for your organization which, by the way, is clowned on by everyone I know who has their shit together? Thanks for the rejection letter. I guess my current events knowledge wasn't up to snuff, and I'll go ahead and get a subscription to The Economist per your request.

CIA: You lost your Paul privileges!!!

1:17 PM  
Blogger Hoss said...

I can take an ass chewing for not warning you about that piece-of-shit movie. But, what the fuck did you think you were going to get from a George Clooney movie?

I'll go ahead and do what no one else has had the foresight to do: which is to warn you to never, ever, ever pay money EVER again to see one of his movies (or any other movie that appears to be a "blame-those-f'ing-Americans" movies, regardless of whether you're intrigued by the military or political angle or not).

Better yet, just consult us before engaging in any more cinematic endeavors.

11:11 AM  
Blogger Travis said...

Haha. Panty Explosion. Nice RPG Paul. That's just wrong, you sick bastard. You just lost your Travis Privileges.

11:35 AM  

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