Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Holy Sumidagawa, batman.

First and foremost, I have a new favorite shirt. My cousin sent it to me for no reason, and I've worn it many times since I received it.

I was cruising around with it on, and it occurred to me that some people might find it offensive, cuz you know, people like findin' shit offensive. Fuck that though, it's a funny shirt. I had to take a picture of it on me so I could send it to my cousin, along with a "thanks".

So check it out: During the summer in Tokyo, there are fireworks like every weekend somewhere. I was asked by the miss'z if I wanted to go to watch fireworks, and I was a little apprehensive. I wasn't doing well with fireworks but I figured I had to get over my new little phobia. Besides, as long as something doesn't go boom or make a loud noise unexpectedly, I'm OK for the most part.

I'm not sure if I'd really been to a "fireworks event" before this. I mean, of course I'd seen fireworks before -- who hasn't? -- but maybe I hadn't been this up close and personal before.

At risk of sounding like a hay-seed...


That's all I can really say. I was getting made fun of the entire time for staring at the sky with my mouth agape. I guess the only thing more spectacular than some of those fireworks would be, I dunno, an AC130 lighting up your block, or a MOAB leveling the next village. Either way, whoever makes fireworks really has their shit together. It's pretty amazing to me that they can make things go boom and zing and light up with such precision.

I wonder how long it took the ancient Chinese to realize that instead of shooting fireworks up in the air, they could just shoot them along the ground and blow people up with them.

"Hey Xiao Wong!"
"Got any of those bang-bang things left from the festival?"
"Yeah, an assload."
"Hey, how bout you tie em all together with some sharp bamboo in em, make a vest out of it, and have one of those Uygur laborers run into the enemy CP and blow it to smithereens."
"Hey, good idea."

Here is a pretty cool video I found on Youtube of the very same fireworks event I attended.

It's a little bit long, but they caught some of the good stuff. And you can see how crowded it was too. I didn't know there were a million or so people there, but it doesn't surprise me one bit. In Japan, whenever something's going on, it's a madhouse.

Here's a much shorter video that I took with my camera. Notice that at the end, you can hear someone say, very distinctively, "Oh my shit." Yeah, I taught her that.

The guy with the retarded laugh is me.

Anyway, as you can see in the longer video, a lot of the Japanese people get dressed up in their yukata and cruise around. Here's a picture of us, where I am definitely not wearing a Yukata:

She asked me, "Why don't you wear a yukata? It'll be fun."
and I was all, "Cuz that ain't how I roll."
Which is true.
"Why not?" asked she.
"Because I don't want to be that guy."
"What guy?"
"That white guy walking around dressed like a Japanese person. Round-eye look ridiculous in yukata, so I will never ever wear one."
"Aah, I see."

Me wearing a yukata would look about as natural as a Japanese person dressed up in Colonial British garb. Of course, there were round-eye there with yukatas on, and yes, they were "that guy". I guess I can't slam them for trying it out, but like I said, t'aint how I roll, and t'will never be how I roll. I'm not a real "dress up and make a spectacle of myself" type person. I like to keep it a little more low-key. Be the gray-man, gents. The gray-man. Oh, and I've given up on replacing my red hat. It just isn't going to happen, so I cut my hair real short, which looks better anyway, and I gave up on trying to replace that which cannot be replaced. Durp.

Anyway, was planning a camping trip this weekend but the van fell thru. =( If the weather is nice, mayhap I'll go to the beach. I've been feeling like pure ass lately -- hope I get better. *sigh*


Blogger nedric said...

"Oh my shit!" reminds me of Clerks when the foreign guy is singing the song Berserker, "My love for you is like a truck. Berserker... Would you like some making fuck? Berserker...."

Then right before they cut to the next scene, some chick says, "Did he just say 'making fuck'?"

3:05 PM  
Blogger Paul said...

yeah. i love stuff like that. i was trying to teach her the lyrics to "joy to the world" and she said, "jeremiah was a bull...pig?" i about pissed my pants. she also kept saying "joy to the fishes in the deep blue sky" for some reason. im sure i make equally ridiculous mistakes in japanese, both on purpose and not.

3:26 PM  
Anonymous Cory said...

I just told Tony about the ninjas substitution option this weekend, and then proceeded to make all sorts of statements that as soon as you resubsituted the original work in for ninjas made me sound like a complete racist.

Good goin' on not wearing the kimono, you would've looked like a cheese-ball. Its good to know your limits.

12:19 AM  
Blogger brando said...

I don't know if I enjoyed hearing "Oh My Shit" more, or the low caveman laugh that came right after.

My love for you is like ticking clock.

2:05 AM  
Blogger Hoss said...

You should have worn a yukata just to be an ass, it would have been hilarious.

And,please don't ever take a picture holding a drink that looks that gay again, please.

4:37 AM  
Anonymous Tony said...

You should wear the Yukata and put your little lady in the "strictly for my ninjas" Tshirt. Then she'd understand exactly where you're coming from and the rest of us could laugh at the pictures. By the way, the ninjas thing... fucking hilarious.

One thing I love about science is the number of non-native English speakers I get to interact. I love phrases like "Oh my shit" but it's even funnier to hear from someone who just spent an hour explaining their research on ubiquitin mediated proteolysis without missing a beat.

5:54 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

one time when i was working at a bar, this iranian guy was getting in an altercation with some dude upstairs. the iranian guy kept screaming at the top of his lungs, "I WILL FUCK YOU! I..WILL..FUCK..YOU!!" we were like, "hey man, that's not really what you wanna be saying.." who knows, maybe it was.

hoss: that was flavored ice, and it was delicious. you could use as much syrup as you wanted, so i basically had a cup full of fruit syrup.

tony: i hope that sometimes i too will be able to provide some ridiculous humor with the stuff i say. unfortunately a lot of the inappropriate stuff i say comes out in somewhat formal situations at work, and i dont think the older japanese guys (in their 50s and 60s) appreciate it very much.

cory: i dont understand your comment at all.

brando; i recently heard a song on the radio where they guy is singing, "we've got a love like semtex." don't take my word for it tho. I think they might be a hezbollah offshoot band.

7:42 AM  
Blogger David said...

Wow that's seems like a really big firework. I always wonder myself how you can make things blow up in those perfect colors and angles.

8:45 PM  
Blogger brando said...

I like that story about the Iranian filping out in a Japanese bar. Your impersonation of it is really funny.

Ummmmmmm kay. Well. Yeah, no, that's probably not the best way to raise your social status. I'm not sure how it works in Iran, but publicly threatening to fuck other men in their asses isn't exactly a one way ticket to respectville. Tell him that you're going to punch him. Don't tell him that you're going to bugger him, because well, frankly, you sort of lose something in the deal too.


8:08 PM  
Blogger Jinxy said...

You look like Steve McQueen in Papillon. Or maybe Dustin Hoffman.

Funny scrunch.

Nice chick drink. Definitely better than a yakuta.


8:58 PM  
Blogger Paul said...

Brando: Though it pains me to finally say this to you, your ethnocentric/borderline racist posts on here have become, in a word, intolerable. I won't allow posts on my comments section deriding other cultures for how they solve problems. Did you ever think that maybe in other cultures, shrieking threats of non-consensual sodomy/colonic violence might be how problems are solved? Maybe that's how they request a sit down? Clearly you know nothing of their culture, and again, if you continue to post such vile, offensive comments on my blog, I will sodomize you. Without asking permission. On a stairway in Shibuya. In front of others. That's just how some people do things. Got it? Good. Now git!

Jinxy: That goes for you too. What you may consider a "foofy drink" is crushed ice, smothered with peach, strawberry, and mango syrup. Manliness. Just like my scrunch.

9:24 PM  
Anonymous Tony said...

Ok, "colonic violence" is my new favorite term.

I actually know a guy who says threatening to fuck someone in the ass is a great way to avoid a fight. His name is Chris and he said when he was in highschool some guy was challenging him to a fight. He knew the guy would kick his ass but he wasn't going to just back down. Anyway, the fight was about to go down and the other guy made some joke about how if Chris knocked him down he would probably fuck him in the ass. It was just supposed to be a shot at his sexuality but Chris immediately siezed the opportunity and responded seriously,"yeah, I probably will."

This completely freaked the guy out. He paused for a second and then called out to his friends,"Come on guys let's get out of here".

The way Chris sees it, it was cost benefit analysis. Everyone there was pretty sure this guy could kick Chris's ass and in reality he had 4 friends with him so it was 5 against one. But I suppose you have to take into account the possibility that you could lose. Getting beat up is bad but most men don't have that much of a problem with it. Getting anally raped, on the other hand, is a whole different ball of wax. I guess he decided he didn't want to risk his colonic integrity just to be a bully to some little guy.

In a fight you never really know what the other guy will do to you when he gets the opportunity. When someone tells you they're going to fuck you in your ass, it sort of lays it all out there for you.

2:05 AM  
Anonymous cory said...

cory: i dont understand your comment at all.

All the fighting they do really works up an appetite, that's why Ninjas like fried chicken so much.

2:20 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

tony: colonic integrity

maybe brando's next post shoudl be colonic integrity violators.

that fight sounds suspicious. i think that the dude who was about to be the ass-kicker was really gay, and threw that in there so he could show everyone just how "creeped out" he was by gay statements. i mean, if i were about to beat someone down, the last thing id say is, "yeah, u'd probably like to fuck me in the ass, wouldn't you."

you're totally right tho. if some iranian were at the foot of the stairs screaming, "IM GOING TO FUCK YOU IN THE ASS" up at me, i'd definitely stay inside. it's just not worth finding out whether or not he's bluffing.

cory: im not even gonna digni...grrr

7:45 AM  
Blogger nedric said...

Next time someone is about to fight me (which for some reason happens every other day) I am going to use that.

2:27 AM  

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