Monday, June 19, 2006

...Your mom likes cheap furniture...

As I'm sure you already know, IKEA opened up a store in Chiba, Japan, just this year. Now I knew IKEA was, for lack of a better term, the WalMart of cheap Swedish furniture, but I wasn't really prepared for all that the IKEA experience had to offer.

The day began with us arriving at the wrong station. We went to Nishi-Funabashi (west Funabashi) station, but IKEA is at Minami-Funabashi (south Funabashi). I told the Miss'z to ask the station guy where the store was, to which responded, "Why do I always have to ask? You ask. Quit being a pussy."

Yeah, she actually said the word "pussy".

So I asked the guy and he set us straight.

We hadn't eaten all day, so we took advantage of the enormous cafeteria found within, featuring various culinary delights. I had the large portion of Swedish Meatballs, while she had some salmon. I don't like salmon, but when I tried it I found it to be decidedly non-revolting, which means it was probably pretty good (if you're into eating sea creatures). I think the best way to describe the food at IKEA is:

Really good airplane food.

That's all I could think of. After washing it down with melon soda, we went into the main store.

Apparently it's the same everywhere, but the store is more like a museum. A museum featuring couches and cheap do-dads, complete with I think there's some kind of deal there where the more screaming children you bring, you get a 10% discount. Does your kid have ADHD? 5% more. Are you totally unconcerned with what your children are doing/indifferent to their safety? 20% off!! I can't believe that more children are not seriously injured there. They should have a sign outside that says this:

Anyway, at each display/station, they have a picture of the designer, who is a young, hip Swede with one thing on his/her mind: Particle board. Something like this:

Then there would be a little bio, something like this:

Lars began working at IKEA in 1995 after burning down the LEGO factory he was working at in his hometown of Älmhult. His hobbies include windsurfing, gourmet cooking, badminton, and södömy.

They don't really have those descriptions, but they should.

Speaking of Sodomites, get a load of this:

Of all the things to be against, they pick IKEA? Self proclaimed "elite designers"??? Huh...

In any case, if I had a bunch of kids and wanted a way to get out of the house, entertain them, and lose them among a throng of screaming banshees, IKEA would be first on my list. I might even be able to pick up a pre-fab chaise lounge in the process. However, for the record, the probability of me ever going back there?

Very low

And now for my quote of the weekend:

Me: Hen na eigo shika narattenai (that means You're learning nothing but weird English.)

Her (Without missing a beat, verbatim): Your Mom likes hen na eigo.

I guess I'll take full responsibility for that one.

Oh, and here's a .gif movie I must add (thanks 'gantor):


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am not sure whether to go to IKEA now, or just stick with good will and wal-mart?

3:38 PM  
Blogger brando said...

Your gifs and splifs don't work. Maybe next time you should have them work, and also try being less of a pussy.

5:48 AM  
Blogger Jinxy said...

I am SO into eating sea creatures, it's not even funny.

I make Homer Simpson look like Ghandi.

Whatever the Hell that means.

I went into an Ikea when I was in Moscow and it was, how do I put this....strange.

9:48 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

i honestly wish i liked seafood.

i mean, i can eat sushi, but not like what you might imagine. i pretty much stick to raw tuna cuz it doesnt taste that fishy.

i lived in monterey and thought i should acquire a taste for seafood and i made a valiant effort...but in the end, it was as futile as the time brando tried find women/boys over 8 sexually appealing. it just wasnt in the cards.

10:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Paul, when you say "over 8," are you talking about height or age?

2:45 PM  
Blogger David said...

My furniture is from IKEA... and I kinda like it. Is they holding a gun on the gif?

7:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I really enjoyed the website- especially the section that tells you how to shop at IKEA WITH your pets. Not FOR your pets......

Paul's Sis

4:10 AM  
Blogger Spooky Witch said...

We have IKEA Store in Tehran too,so that sounds like a good idea to take the kids there and to get rid of them for few hours!:D

5:21 AM  
Blogger Jinxy said...

Do they have BLU-82s in Tehran?

No? Well, they soon will...

8:57 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

I don't think they sell those at IKEA.

8:59 AM  
Blogger brando said...

Holy Smokes Jinxy. I recently did my high and mighty routine on her website for others saying threatening stuff like that. You have to cool it.

Seriously. That ain't cool. If you issue threats, they may feel in danger, and want to defend themselves.

I prefer the method of maintaining moral high ground. Then you can annihilate your enemy with clean honor, knowing that it was either you or them.

4:45 PM  
Blogger Jinxy said...

Fuck that, Brando.

How can you take people like her seriously? You can't have a serious argument with them because they're already convinced that we're going to attack them and want to steal their oil and convert them to Christianity.

They think we're a bunch of trigger happy, chest-thumping, rootin' tootin' cowboys who have no regard for other cultures or civilizations, and no amount of talking or argument is going to convince them otherwise.

My philosophy is, if that's what they want to believe, so be it. I'll give it to them in spades.

Plus, they've got it coming.

7:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haha BLU-82. Nice. It must suck to have to deal with alot of wise-cracks because your president is an idiot... wait a sec. Try turning on one of the free television channels and watch all the Christian fundamentalists do the twist and shake while hawking their "Repent...the end is nigh!" t-shirts. If I was Mohammed's homeboy...I'd probably crap myself watching those crazies.
Sorry... I live in FL. The only place on the planet that tied with Germany for the weirdest inhabitants.

PS. Take your nuts back, Paul. WTF are you doing hanging out at IKEA?


8:40 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

Break it up!! Before I have lars the södömite pay you a house call.

War's bad, mmkay? i think smedley butler said that.

8:50 AM  
Blogger brando said...

Remember in bootcamp when I couldn't remember Smedley Butler's name, in front of the whole series, and when I sat down you muttered, "I would have gotten that question right."

Jinxy, I don't take her seriously. She's nuts.

Maybe I'm sort of passive aggressive, but I think that threats are a really bad idea. No talk, just action. There may be a time in the near future when we need to start in with the MOABs and Daisy Cutters, and when we do, it should be done without mercy. But let's not escalate it.

Remember in high school when two dudes would start arguing and they'd start pointing in each others' face, and yelling "C'mon!", and they'd push each other a bunch. I would watch that and wonder "Why isn't someone getting throat punched right now?" If that was a real possibility, the politeness level would go through the roof.

9:40 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

I was just disappointed, that's all. What I was saying was, "I would have gotten it right, and since you are very much my equal or even superior to me, I'm a bit surprised that you didn't get it correct."

I was not saying, "Wow, nice one, 'Guide'. Way to represent your fucking platoon and make look like shit by association. Do you have any idea what this is going to do to my reputation? My career in the Marines is over, you malignant tumor of a man. I'm done. Thanks buddy. I don't even know who you are. You're dead to me."

That's definitely not what I was saying, by any means.

10:41 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

Oh, and by the way Joe, don't tell me about getting my nuts back, you little shit.

Who was looking at his girlfriend's house via satellite imagery when we were in Afghanistan? Stalker.

(Tho I commend you for not getting shitfaced, stealing the iridium phone, talking on it for 2 hours, and discarding it in the parking lot so a nepalese guy could retrieve it the next day like some people. oh yeah and then disappearing, running around the compound in nothing but green silkies, urinating off the catwalk, and wondering what the big deal was.


10:45 AM  

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