Monday, November 13, 2006

Let’s go the Zoo, Fakkahs!

Hey, check out my new hat!

And no, those aren’t Yankee Mikes in the background, they’re freakin Oliphants. Asiatic. Got it?

That’s right, me and the missez went to Ueno Zoo this past Sunday.

Everyone knows that I love animals. I grew up watching animal shows and when we all went to the park to start youth soccer, I was more interested in playing with ants. The first channels I have to know whenever I go somewhere are Animal Planet and The Discovery Channel, and if Shark Week or Big Cat Diaries or anything having to do with birds is on, good luck getting me to do anything else. I’m fixated on the tube like a retarded kid to a bus window. In Afghanistan we got the National Geographic channel, and I had all the commercials memorized and cheerfully sang along to them. I dig it, folks, that’s what I’m tryin’ to say.

This presents a quandary. How can a guy who likes animals possibly go to the zoo and have a good time?

Good question. Zoos are a little bit depressing. I’m used to seeing animals (albeit on the TV) running around in their natural habitats, running down prey, pwning their rivals’ babies, and crapping all over the place. Instead, there are these animals just sitting around doing nothing, peering from their enclosures while the equivalent of big macs with super-sized fries walk around and leer at them, just begging to be killed and eaten. Here’s a good video of a lion that wants to murder everything within view, but can’t. Poor fellah.

Still, I know that zookeepers love animals even more than me and devote their lives to making their lives comfortable. Being an animal (and in a lot of places, a human) really sucks, because everything around you is trying to take your genes out of the race and acquire the nutrients that are your muscle tissue. There is one animal, though, that I have a bit of a problem with. The animal that the Japanese (and Chinese I guess) love ever so much is the Giant Panda. I can’t really abide by the panda, because they refuse to mate and propagate their species. What happens to animals like that? They fall by the evolutionary wayside. But for some reason pandas are special, because they’re cute and cuddly. I disagree, as seen in this video, where a panda is intent on fucking some guy’s shit up.

Oh, so cuddly! Animals that are the same size or bigger than humans are typically about 100 times stronger than us, and when they get mad, they have a tendency to try and rip our heads off. Take chimps. Chimps are completely and utterly insane and fucked up, and when they have an inkling, they will tear your shit to pieces. So anyway, back to pandas.

Pandas refuse to procreate, which is pretty lame in my book. “Oh, I’m just a panda, I’m content on sitting on my ass and eating an inappropriate amount of bamboo and shitting over 200 times each each day while the WWF pimps me as their symbol. Save me lolz!!!” They have cute names like Ling-Ling and Sing-Sing and Gao-Gao. More like Gay-Gay. Weak sauce.

So here’s a little tribute I made to pandas all over the world.

This took more time than I intended, but I didn’t want to quit in the middle and waste what you clearly see is valuable time in my life. Furthermore, they're apparently doing better in the wild these days, not doubt due to the fact that it was punishable by death to kill them until recently.

Just down the road from the stupid pandas are some real bears. Bears that don’t fuck around and pimpslap your skull clean off just because you looked at them sideways.

Here's an example of what a polarbear will go through to try and annihilate your shiz-nit. I think I've posted it before.

Click here for the full video, and to see how horribly annoying that girl is.

No one wants to help the poor polar bears though, because they eat seals, and seals are cute.

Don’t get me wrong now – I’m not advocating seal clubbing.

That’s just kinda fucked up.

But sometimes things that are cute have a buttload of nutritional value, especially for our manly aforementioned bears.

Another thing I love is when animals do something really fucked up, folks will sagely proclaim, “Clearly they’re demonstrating decidedly human behavior.” Like when chimpanzees go on hunting parties and ambush some poor chimp, chewing off its face, hands, feet, and genitalia, or when a group of bottlenose dolphins gang rapes a spinner dolphin. Uuh, I think they were up to that shit way before humans were, and I don’t remember humans chewing off anyone’s face. We use tools to do that shit, because we can. Animals aren’t as smart as us, and if they had the brains to use a knife to massacre their rivals, you can bet your ass they would. Furthermore, animals can’t use language like us. I always got a chuckle in Anthro classes when students would sooo want to believe that, and even after giving a definition of language in human terms and being shown evidence that animals can’t use it like us, they didn’t believe it. They were convinced that animals could either talk the same way we could and we just couldn’t understand its subtleties, or they were talking on a different plane. Animals have complex communication methods, yes. But not like ours. They don’t use symbolic representation to mean other things. They don’t talk about things that will happen in the future in other locations. And when chimps were taught sign language, they only used it to get bananas. Scientists thought they could teach chimps or gorillas sign language and bring them into the field as interpreters ,like in Congo when that one ape is all like AMY SCARED! AMY SHIT PANTS! AMY PLAY WITH FECES AND THROW AT SCIENTISTS! AMY NEED GORILLASEX! Anyway it didn’t work and it won’t work, because apes aren't built like that. Some animals are pretty smart though. Like this fellah here. He's wearing a blanket. Oh my god, he must be as smart as us!!!

But for all our flaws and our “human tendencies” to run around butchering each other, he can't put 2 and 2 together and brain his buddy with a log because he's pissed off about something. He can't coordinate with his crew to pretend to be injured or sick and when the zookeepers come in, to tear the poor guy's throat out and wave it around triumphantly for the crowd. He’s on display being woo’d at by a bunch of screaming Japanese school children, not the other way around.


Anonymous Uncle Mike said...

Perhaps you might consider being a vetrinarian or a zoologist bopping around the world, useing your considerable language skills to facillitate cool stuff. Passion, yes,that's it.(I'm so fucked without spell check......).

3:06 AM  
Blogger brando said...

Have you seen that Sgt. Chocolate bear movie? Bears are friendly.

4:56 AM  
Blogger bucket said...

Nice hat, goes well with the animal theme as it is somewhat Jacques Cousteau-ish.

I like pandas too,and I don't think their lack of involvement in self procreation negates them. What about stud horses? They never get to commit the deed themselves. Or what about animals that are purposefully bred and genetically manipulated by humans?
Don't bulldogs also heavily rely on humans mating them?

It is a common theme among sci-fi stories. That humans now totally and completely control the animal kingdom even to the point of being the sole provider or creator of animal genetics.
Which is always the sub story of the belief that humans will one day rule the human race too, and create or procreate humans as they see fit.

9:03 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

yeah.. natural selection vs unnatural selection, the case of just about all dog breeds being an example of the latter. most dog breeds were selected unnaturally for certain trains that we humans felt useful (or cute), and not necessarily the best for survival in the wild. i mean seriously, how well is a labradoodle gonna do in the wild? the other dogs would just pick on him for his species name alone! that's why i think wild dogs are so badass. nature has thrown everything at them trying to discontinue its species, and what's left over is pretty cool looking.

dunno bout manipulating human genes and whatnot. religion keeps us from doing that -- whether it's good or not is arguable i guess...

9:51 AM  
Blogger brando said...

You've been going pretty strong on the l33t speak lately. You have baby seals doing the "lolz", and samuri saying that folks are "pwnt".

You had a post about animals, yet no mention of parakeets? What gives?

2:10 AM  
Blogger Jinxy said...



For someone who loves animals so much, you sure do hate them.

3:58 AM  
Blogger Hammer said...

Cool post. Nice work on the baby seal caption too.

4:29 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

brando-- i guess i dont post on parakeets too much because i miss my beloved periwinkle and gelsey so much. did you know that gelsey died while we were at bootcamp, and my parents didnt write me because they were afraid i'd become "distraught". my dad used that word. i guess they remembered all too clearly when i was in 7th grade when blinkey died and i cried all day. apparently they figured that a 21 year old at USMC Recruit Training would do the same thing. i also had two birds that i secretly kept in the barracks in hawaii, namely Kim Il Song and Zazoo. Kil Il Song was slain by a half pitbull/half rotweiller, and zazoo died of sadness when i went to okinawa. also, i dont see 'lolz' as l33t speak. i like to use it cuz it usually punctuates a really retarded comment on youtube. "shut up brando you redneck your blog sucks lolz". something like that. and ive always been a fan of teh pwnt. whoever said it originated in online gaming is crazy, cuz people used to use it in the #hack channel in IRC back in like 1993.

jinxy-- i thought someone might bring that up, and i realized what an animal hater i sounded like by the end of the post. i love animals, but i try to be realistic about em. i get pretty riled up when i see people being mean to 'em, but cheerfully participated in a pheasant holocaust on a farm in ohio a couple years back. we ate em tho. i dunno. i guess i just like some animals more than others..

hammer-- niiiice. :)

8:17 AM  
Anonymous Tony said...

My chihuahua was bred from a father that was two small to actually mount a female so the breeder had to hold him up in the air in order for him to mate. That's some major human interference with the breeding process. The results sure are cute though.

Chimps do not fuck around, they go right for the genitalia. I heard this story about a couple of chimps going crazy and ripping off a woman's arm when his husband tried to protect her they tore off his testicles. What the hell? I guess they were outraged because this couple was giving birthday cake to a chimp in some sort of African chimp preserve. Give the chimps some damn cake.

No one ever believes me when I tell them that story but I bet they will if they ever encounter a pissed off chimp.

10:57 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

that happened in california. here's the story. (I'd been looking for it before and couldnt find it, but for some reason it popped right up this time when I googled "chimpanzee birthday maiming".) i guess they went over to give their ex-pet chimp (who had to go to a reserve cuz he bit a lady's finger off) a birthday party, and 2 other chimps got out of their cage somehow. i saw the dude on a talk show and he was wearing a mask like in vanilla sky because his face is still completely jacked, and he's been thru some ungodly number of surgeries. he seemed pretty forgiving though. if a chimp did that to me id go on a chimp killing spree. i think the chimps were outraged because theyre stupid chimps and they dont need an excuse. as funny as it looks when theyre spazzing out and screaming and making those silly high pitched screams, id hate to be on the business end of it.

i was watching a show on chimp raiding parties. i guess jane goodall didnt realize how whack chimps were for a really long time, and their image as these gentle retards went on for like 20 years. then either she or someone else saw a pack of chimps tree a baby baboon, rip its arms and legs off, and eat it, so they studied it a lot more closely. they said that right before a raiding party, the chimps get real quiet, like theyre putting on their game faces. they go off to a little area and they groom each other and hang out for a bit, then they move off in a little line formation and completely wreck the first unlucky neighbor that crosses their path. that'd be a little unnerving to be living among these animals for so long and then come to the realization that the only reason they let you live was, well, no reason, lucky you, they just did, and it could have gone either way.

your dog's dad sounds like a real pimp. i wish we humans had similar procedures.

11:30 AM  
Blogger brando said...

If I had a football team and I could recruit primates to fill the positions, I think my roster would be as follows.

2:46 AM  
Blogger Hammer said...

It appears Brando favors a pass-catching tight end formation, as I'm not sure that Macaques are much good as blockers.

But then I'm assuming that "ripping the human's nuts off" counts as a 15-yard personal foul and ejection. If it's allowed, then I think their blocking could, in fact, be VERY effective.

5:34 AM  
Blogger brando said...

Here's the logic.

Yes, I know that Macaques aren't very tall, like a good tight end should be. Maybe I should have chosen a primate that's good at braciation. The concept is that I figured that I'd have good pass protection from tackle to tackle, so my TE could focus on good hand skills. Macaques are sort of the Jerry Rice of the primate world. He wouldn't be very good across the middle, over the top of my gorillas, but he'd be great on those 8 yard outs into the flat area.

If a blitzer or DE got through, the baboon could pick them up, giving my chimp QB a good 3 second window to find a receiver.

6:39 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

based on the accuracy in which i've witnessed macaques throwing feces, maybe you should consider using one as a QB from time to time?

7:35 AM  
Blogger brando said...

Hey, you pick your lineup, I'll pick mine.

Chimps are QB material all the way. Everyone knows that macaques don't have the cognitive capacity to memorize the play book, or the leadership potential to take the primate team to the superbowl. C'mon, you're better than that.

9:26 AM  
Anonymous Tony said...

I really want to see your primate football team take on an NFL team. I want to see Terrell Owens get his arms torn off.

What would your defense look like?

I suggest some gorrillas up front to free up your chimp linebackers to move around the field and make plays.

8:47 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

i think you are giving gorillas a little too much credit. they're big and strong, but they're actually huge pussies and waay more mellow than chimps.

9:51 AM  
Blogger brando said...

The idea of chimp linebackers made me laugh. I'm imagining them calling out defences, and moving around, making plays. For some reason, that's really funny.

I'd have to pick some really big mean chimps for my linebackers. Some real hitters. I'd put em in a 4-4 with Gorillas for my line. Even though the use of gorillas is up for debate, I still think I'd go with them, because they just need to push. My corners and free saftey would be those fast patas monkeys. My defense is mostly designed to stop the run. I doubt a chimp can throw an accurate, tight spiral.

Maybe I'd use gibbons for the DT, because I bet they could do the "swim move".

Maybe you guys have some better ideas. All I know is that I wouldn't use any leamurs.

3:16 PM  
Anonymous Tony said...

Is poop throwing allowed?

3:01 AM  
Blogger brando said...

I think we'd have to go with NFL rules.

For primates I'd be better to use the "down by contact" rule, because it may be hard to tell if they are actually down.

6:11 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

btw brando i thought id add that your knowledge of basic primatology have impressed me and i know you were showing off (and i know you love the word brachiation) cuz THERE WILL BE NO BRACHIATION IN THE SQUAD BAY, MONTALVO

ah the beautiful marriage of dickheadedness and dorkiness that is my personality

8:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahh, what's a YM? You mean WM? Or don't I get it?

And I would go with an O-rang line with a silverback slotted as my center.
D would all be chimps. Tampa Bay has had one of the best overall ranked D's during this decade and they consistantly have one of the leagues smallest lines.

12:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry, that's me up there.


12:07 PM  
Blogger brando said...

I forgot all aboout O-Rangs. "Clyde, right cross!"

5:24 PM  
Blogger Paul said...

yankee mike. remember what big joe used to always say?

you go to college and all you do is get consistently more stupid.

5:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ever the animal lover. Ahh...Zazoo (aka Testiclees Dildonious) May he rest in peace.

Remember "live every it's shark week"

8:09 AM  

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