Tuesday, April 04, 2006

...Do you smell something burning?


I dunno man.. I think you might need a fire extinguisher.

Why would I need that?


That's right folks. I encountered another compulsive liar! That's liar liar #3 since I got here last year, and liar liar #2 that I encountered in the gym.

As many of you know, I work on an Army base, so I go to the Army gym because it's really nice and really free. Anyway, while I was there today some kid next to me says, "Nice tattoo." He was wearing the Army PT uniform, and was giving me the "secret membership" look. Like, "mmmhmmm, yeah, I'm down, Oohrah..."

"OK," I thought. I'll play. Here's how the conversation went. I will make brief pauses to explain why I immediately knew this guy was full of shit:

Him: You were in the corps?
Me: Yeah.
Him: What was your MOS?
Me: XXXX <- 4 digit number

Him: Oh, OK.

OK, asking someone's MOS (mission occupational specialty) is totally reasonable, and typically the first question one marine asks another. The fact that he didn't ask what my MOS meant or make a followup comment indicating that he knew what it was was bullshit-sign #1. No one ever knows what my MOS # means. It's not common, and if he knew what it was, he would have had the experience of working with like MOS'd folks, and would have said something. Continuing.

Me: What was yours?
Him: 0311. (Infantry)
Me: (Smiling) Oh yeah? Cool. Where at?
Him: With the 35th M.E.U. (he said it like "Em-Ee-You") at Camp Pendleton.

This is the coup de grace. This is when I'm so surprised that I don't really know what to say because I'm so flabbergasted by this kid's audacity. First of all, Marines never say M E U, they say "myew", like it's a word. Second of all, there's no such thing as the 35th MEU, and even if it existed, it would be in Okinawa, not Pendleton. I MEF is in Pendleton, and all the MEUs start with 1 and end in an odd number. There's only one MEU that starts with 3, at III MEF, which is the 31st MEU in Okinawa, which I was a attached to for a year. Moving on, audacity turned into downright ....I dunno what. Maybe he suspected that I knew he was full of shit, because he almost started a pre-emptive counter-attack, which is something that only pathological liars can pull off.

Him: How long were you in for?
Me: 5 years, you?
Him: (under his breath) 3 years. So why'd you get out? (Suspicious look)
Me: It was time to do something else.
Him: (Kinda cocky) Why didn't you try to get into recon?
Me: I was.
Him: (Continued suspicious look) Well why didn't you go for the SEALs?
Me: (As I was walking away, cuz I was tired of this clownmaster) Hey man, just cuz someone's shit smells better don't mean it ain't shit.

I know what you're thinking.

You didn't say that!!

"........just cuz someone's shit blahblahbla"

Yeah. Yeah I did. I'm such a fag, I know, but I've always liked that saying, and why not say it to some douchebag who is a LIAR? Here's how he looked at me after I said it:

Like I'd said something profound.

What bothered me about his last statement is that he looked at me like I was some kind've quitter for getting out. Are you shitting me? Someone who is 100% lying to me is being condescending. Telling me that he was with the "35th M E U" is like telling someone who spent a couple years in the 101st that they were in the "17th Airborne down in Benning." It's absurd. I know why he brought up "recon," too. He was going for the "recon setup". That's where he tells me how he was "in recon," because compulsive liar wannabe-Marines are always either snipers or in recon. ALWAYS. Kind've like how Ft Benning cabbies are always former Rangers or SF.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Slade Smiley has nothing on these people. What did I do to deserve this shit? People coming up to me and telling me lies for no fucking reason? I don't know them. I've never seen them before. I don't work with them. I have no influence on their lives. Yet they come up to me while I'm minding my own business at the gym or waiting for a train and tell me lies.

So I've made a decision.

I'm gonna start calling motherfuckers out.

I know you're probably wondering why I haven't been. Why I didn't say "hey faggot, there's no such officer program like that in the USMC, and I know you weren't in a STA platoon" or "Newsflash jackweed, the 35th MEU, not M.E.U., doesn't exist. You might wanna inform your roommate, the toothfairy."

The reason is simple: I've been too surprised to say anything, and/or I don't really give a shit about what they're saying. They seem so excited about pretending to have been in the Marines and meeting up with a pseudo-fellow Teufelhunden, and I don't have the heart to snap them back to reality. I mean, we all know that Marine Corps Basic Training consists of scaling cliffs, navigating deadly obstacle courses with spinning blades, and slaying Lava Beasts.....and no one can top USMC uniforms for lookin' sharp.. But still... I'm through with these folks.

So my message to these active duty military compulsive liars will be the following:

Dude, you're in the Army. Be proud of what you're doing. I know you're not doing anything "Hooah" out here in Japan right now, but as long as you take pride in your work and do it to the best of your abilities, no one will ever fault you. Again, you have a lot to be proud of.

...but the bottom line is, your fucking pants are on fire. Don't ever talk to me again or I'll tell your 1st Sgt what you're doing.


Blogger brando said...

I had a similar run in but it was with a bum. I saw a scraggly dude in Iowa City wearing a USMC hat. So I stroll up to him and say "Ooorah, devil dog.", expecting him to "ooorah" or "kill" or some other such jargon. Instead, I was greeted with "Could you spare some money?"

So I give the guy some money, but I figure now he has to tell me all about his time in the service. 5 bucks earns me a story about jipperheads. So I start with the normal question, "What unit were you in?"

Normally a Marine will answer like such. "I was in 3/1 from 80 to 83. Then I went to 2/4 I did 2 floats, blah, blah, blah. I was a machine gunner, but ended up working in the armory for about 9 months."

This joker says "I was in 2nd BN."

(which is a completely worthless stamement)

I ask the next logical question: "Which regiment?"

The guy looks confused for a few seconds as though he's trying to pull it out of his resin filled brain, and says "I can't remember."

Get real. You never forget which regiment you're in.

That's like asking someone which state they grew up in "Maine or California?" and having them say that they "forgot".

I didn't call this guy out either. I just walked away feeling ashamed for him. Catching someone lying so badly is sort of sickening for everyone.

12:48 PM  
Blogger Paul said...

You bring up another good point. If I asked an 0311 "who he was with," even if he were with the 31st MEU or the 15th MEU or whatever, he would say 2/4 or 1/7 or someting. They're only with the MEU for a temporary amount of time, and probably hate their MEU experience like everyone else.

1:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh yeah? well, i'm in the first civ div! i've only ever encountered the bums the brando mentioned, and i don't even bother trying...


1:51 PM  
Blogger Paul said...

I think everyone who reads this is a card carrying member of the 1st civ div.

and dont pretend like u dont love the 31st meu.

2:04 PM  
Blogger mikey said...

Does this mean that if I wear a "Commander In Chief" hat with the Presidential seal that you'll ask me if there really is a red telephone to both Commisioner Gordon and Batman? Better yet, how 'bout if I get a wild hair up my ass and put on a hat that says, " Hey, I'm a homeless guy who will likely wear absolutely anything, including but certainly not limited to trashbag insulators, vomit laden tweed sports coats and even baseball hats with various random insignias". Really, the possibilities are endless.

2:08 PM  
Blogger brando said...

Whenever I see someone wearing Ooohrah gear, I like to go up to em and figure out their story. I get a big kick out of meeting ole Marines. That was the only time I was upset by it. Most of the time they have some really cool story or background, and it's amazing what a small organization it is. We had a cook at IRP that lived at Camp Wilson at the stumps for over 2 years, and he said he loved it. I was there for 2 weeks and was pretty fed up with it. The ones that I think have the best storys are the ones that look nothing like Marines.

I guess it's the ones the run up to you yelling "I'm awesome!" are the ones you need to look out for. and bums.

3:12 PM  
Blogger brando said...

How many years has it been since bootcamp? I bet you can still name your DIs. People just don't forget like that. When I catch someone lying, I expect them to immediately repent. But they never do. They just repeat their bile with more volume.

3:15 PM  
Anonymous Cory said...

About two years ago Mary and I went to an MC Chris concert at the Canopy Club here in Champaign. WHile in line outside I saw for the first time a guy wearing one of those "old school" t-shirts with the Atari 2600 controllers on them (it did not say "old school" like the linked pic does). I was all like "Heeeeyy, 2600!" and he was like "Yeah man." and I said "Did you ever beat ET?" (because everyone had ET) and he said "I never actually had one, my first system was Nintendo."

You should've seen the look on my face right then, in a split second my facial expression had crossed the line from kinship familiarity to disgusted pity. I'm sure he could tell my face said "What a worthless poser."

So I totally know what you guys mean. Frickin' posers.

9:48 PM  
Blogger brando said...

At least your boy fessed up pretty quickly. It would have been upsetting if he had tried to answer your ET question with a bunch of nonsense. "Yeah I threw a baseball in a cornfield and beat metal-man first."

12:10 AM  
Blogger Egg Shen said...

You weren't a Marine.

Marines know that it's spelled with a capital "M".


You know how else I know you're a dirty, filthy liar?








And my barber was Carlos Hathcock's spotter. No shit. He told me so.

1:40 PM  
Blogger Jinxy said...

What's that guy's problem?

1:42 PM  
Blogger Paul said...

that's amazing that you found that.

he even said he was in the 2nd MEF at Pendleton. this guy rocks.

please, egg shen-sama, tell me you made that profile.

i wonder where this 35th meu is coming from? im curious now.

2:30 PM  
Blogger Jinxy said...

Um, I think he's joking.

United Earth Federation Marine Corps
San Diego, California US
1st Lieutenant
2nd Marine Expeditionary Force, 35th Marine Expeditionary Unit

Check out the dude's picture page.

9:53 PM  
Blogger Paul said...

yeah, i figured it wasnt a real person, considering the pictures not of a real human, but of what appears to be a rendered video game character.


i just think its weird that theyd both say "35th meu in pendleton"...

9:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

After I got out and started college I started a gay job at a retail store in a mall selling guns. I think it was about two years or so ago that a gut-heavy slob in Charlies walks up to the counter asking to so the most powerful sniper rifle we carry. He had Gunny chevrons and a chest full of nonsense; to include combat action ribbon, gold jump wings, and a silver dive bubble. See, he needed the most powerful sniper rifle that we carried because he was going to Iraq; and somehow the Marine Corps was going to let him take his own rifle (??!!).

So I played along and asked him what his MOS was and who he was with. The reply was (of course) 0311, and he was a sniper with Force Recon. Right.

So where did you go to dive school? Oh... Camp Pendelton, I didn't know they had a dive school... oh, that was a long time ago huh? So it wasn't combatant dive school then? ...well because you're not wearing a combatant dive bubble... oh you just like the old silver one, huh? So, you don't like the M40A3? Well that's the standard sniper rifle the Mirines have been using for ten years... oh, you like the M14... more power you say? I'm pretty sure they shoot the same round.

I had to just walk away from the counter and let some one else deal with him. In retrospect I should have grabbed the fire extinguisher from the gun room and saved him from his burning pants.

In fucking Chucks, Paul. Just because there isn't a major military base for 200 miles doesn't mean there won't be anyone around to call your bluff. Texas isn't the only state they recruit from, asshole.


10:26 PM  
Blogger brando said...

When we were at MEPPS or MEEPS or whatever they call it, we were getting ready to go to bootcamp. Keep in mind that none of us had spent a single day in the military, but people tended to bunch up according to what service they were going into. I started talking to this kid that insisted on saying stuff like "We're the best!" and "Marines have to stick together."

Well, we all pile into this van taking us to the airport or to the hotel or something, when people start discussing their MOS. Which I think is goofy seeing how we haven't done crap. It's like talking about your college major while you're still in high school. Well, that same kid says really loudly "I'm thinking about going recon!"

Thinking about?

Hey everyone! Give me props! I'm thinking about going to the moon.

My wife gets a chuckle when people try to buddy up to her on the basis that they're "pre-law".

Also, why do people that have no clue about the military insist on calling weapons by their numerical designation? They're often wrong, and I think it's embarrassing to call them out, but I often don't even know what they're trying to say.

I once talked to a gal that was in the Navy for a bit. She was real proud of "training with Marines", which I guess is fine. But she bragged about it to me as though I was supposed to be impressed. and she said that she "shot an M-50".

I thought that maybe she was talking about an M-2, but maybe there was some weapon that I hadn't heard of. So I asked, "What's an M-50?"

Then I get this haughty, condescending explanation. "Oh yeah, it's a huge machine gun that sits on a tripod."

Me: "Ok, Is it possible that you mean an M-2? You may be getting confused because it's a 50 cal?"

Her: "No. It was an M—50."

aaaaaaaaaannnnnndddd. Get real.

Oddly enough, there is actually a weapon called the M-50.
I don't know why she mounted this on a tripod. Strange.

3:14 AM  
Blogger Jinxy said...

I'll up you one better:

I went to Basic with a fat kid from the hills of Virginia we called "Puddin'".

Puddin' was so fat and slothlike, he was always getting in trouble with the Drill Sergeant. He barely made it through Basic, and I was horrified to find out that he had finagled a slot into Airborne school.

The night before our first jump, Puddin' goes out on VD Drive in Columbus, GA and gets big 'ol paratrooper wings tattood on his arm with a red beret and a skull with knives and all sorts of wicked shit.

The next day at the jump, because he was so fat, Puddin' hit the ground too hard and got a compound fracture of his femur.

He never made another jump. The gave him a medical discharge and shipped him out of the Army.

But he's got a REAL cool tattoo to remember it all by!

7:09 AM  
Blogger Paul said...


Isn't VD Drive redundant?

Kinda like ATM machine or PIN number?

VD Drive [sic] was cool. I got a lot of good Korean speaking practice out there. And I met a lot of former Ranger Bat Margent Sajors on the way out.

Puddin' probably had a lot of good conversations with the tattoo artist though, who was no doubt former Special Forces in 'nam (WIA).


my favorite part about the meps trip (aside from us making up rules, i,e. "no falconry" and "no monster truck driving" in MEPS) was when we were on the bus and I felt like I was in a live action role playing game. they were like, "YEAH, IM INFANTRY! WE DO ALL TEH FIGHTIN!" and then another kid would pipe up and say, "IM GONNA BE A COMPUTER GUY! ILL HACK THE PERIMETER DEFENSES SO U CAN GET IN SAFELY!" and then another guy would pipe up and say, "ILL BE BRINGIN THE FOOD BOYS!! LINE UP AND GET IT WHILE IT'S HOT! OOHRAH FOOD SERVICE!!"

that was one of those few moments, along with the entire duration of MCT, where I thought that I may have made a horrible, horrible mistake.

7:40 AM  
Anonymous Cory said...

I think that myspace guy is supposed to be a guy from the upcoming Supreme Commander game (RTS). The human army, of course. At least its not "Terrans" this time.

9:01 AM  
Blogger brando said...

Update now, fingercuffs.

2:24 AM  

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