Sunday, March 19, 2006

Piksher Time!

Once again, I shall attempt to show you some of what I see every day, and try to transmit some of my get-a-kick-out-of-it-ness to you.

I was at a pet shop yesterday, and no, not because I’m a huge fan of the Pet Shop Boys, but because I like looking at the birds. Most of the birds at Japanese pet stores are hand-fed (which is where you hand feed them from when they’re babies so they like humans) so you can play with em. I like doin’ that. Anywho, the only thing more ubiquitous in Japan than yippy little girls wearing stupid clothes are yippy little dogs wearing stupid clothes. I found some good Engrish doggie outfits and I thought I’d share them with you.

Apparently in Japan, Dog like a flisbee with you.

The really awesome thing about this doggie wear, though, is that depending on how you read it, it can mean many things. Is it:

A flisbee with you dog like?
Like a flisbee with you dog?

I don’t know – that’s for literary critics and poets to argue, but I think we can all conclude that the key word here is flisbee.

Moving on.

Most people think of the Samurai Spirit or some such nonsense when thinking about Japan, but not me. I think of Japanese Dog Spirit. I like how the rising sun is a little doggie paw. Tojo is spinning in his grave. I should get a dog, put that little sweater on it, and walk around Yasukuni Shrine.

This one is just silly because they misspelled “chicken” and….what the fuck is that doing on a doggie sweatshirt???

So I’m on the train and I’m fucking around with my phone like everyone else around me. My phone has a lot of whack ass functions that I haven’t really bothered to play with, but since I was bored I came up with this picture.

I put the text in there from my phone too. That man’s head is in the middle of my hand.

So I was sitting there and I took a picture of something that I’ve been wanting to put on here for a while – the Priority Seating sign. This sign has always been an anomaly to me. You’ll soon see why.

According to this sign, the following people, from left to right, will be given priority in designated areas:

  • People with candy canes in their anuses
  • People with a peg-leg wearing a moonboot on their foot.
  • Kuato
  • People with distended abdomens/the morbidly obese
  • People who have been shot with cupid’s arrow.

    On to the evening’s festivities.

    A friend of mine is about to go on a 3 month trip, so we had a little bash. I think that the most memorable part of the evening was when my friend’s girlfriend was latched onto me like a little remora crying like a baby. Drewski was bent down next to her saying “WHO’S THE BIG HAPPY GIRL. WHO’S A HAPPY GIRL. YOU’RE A HAPPY GIRL. YES YOU ARE. YEEEEEEES YOU ARE” like someone would to with a little kid, and I was doing the whole “convulsing uncontrollably in an attempt to conceal my laughter”.

    Here’s a picture of her before she spiraled into uncontrolled sobbing:

    I know what you’re thinking, and no, my shirt does not say “TUBA”. It says CUBA, because I support Fidel’s regime.

    I also know you’re wondering why my friend’s girlfriend is hanging on my like some strange Asiatic leach. My friends’ girlfriends love me. That’s why.

    Here’s the whole crew.

    At one point during the night, an Iranian spat on the girl in the back. Iranians are such gentleman. It was one of those weird situations that I think we’ve all been a part of – a Japanese girl is freaking out and screaming, and some 5’4 Iranian guy is threatening everyone. There were a lot of Iranians there. I don’t think I’ll ever go there again. Those guys can take their slimy hair, cheap sweaters, and sleazy cologne and shove it. Plus they’re crazy and all coked up and that makes me uneasy.

    So anyway, I drove up to Tokyo today to get some boxes for a friend that's gonna travel around Asia for a few months 'cuz storage in Tokyo, like everything else, is prohibitively expensive. On the road up there, I saw something that I simply had to have a picture of.

    I wonder what kind of drunken conversation spawned the idea for that van's paintjob. Thankfully, I didn't crash my car while getting such an earth-shattering picture.

    After getting the cargo and eating some din-din, I was listening to Inter FM and won a pair of tickets to see some movie called Dig. It's some movie about some bands, one of which is called The Brian Jonestown Massacre. Anyway, the DJ started talking about the whole Jonestown debaucle in 1978 and that it "took place in a small country in South America." As soon as he said that I had my phone out ready to dial the number, because I knew a contest was about to kick off. As I predicted, he wanted to know what country the Jonestown Massacre happened, so I wasted no time punching the numbers in, got through (I think I was the first person), and answered correctly.

    Anyone seen Dig? Is it good? Not that I care, cuz I'm going for free.

    Just call me google-san.

    Blogger brando said...

    Engrish provides me with hours of chuckles. The 'L' and 'R' mixup isn't just a stereotype. It's awesome.

    4:09 AM  
    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Dig is like watching this 2 hour hissyfit thrown by somebody that you would like to set on fire. It's an interesting movie though. I can just picture you sitting in the aviary at the petstore, in some sort of John Woo'esque fashion with the birds soaring into flight as Wagner booms out of..sorry, pe-shawn for rambling.
    -The World's shortest Anonymous Blogger

    8:21 AM  
    Blogger Paul said...

    The L and R thing is a really hard even for Japanese people who are awesome at English. It's an obvious difference to us, but pretty subtle to people who don't make the distinction. "The" and "A" usage poses some problems too.

    Mr Anon:
    As long as I don't have to pay 1800yen a ticket, I don't mind so much. And I got to hear my name on the radio. That rocked.

    8:36 AM  
    Blogger brando said...

    More Engrish

    And more engrish.

    Just a little bit more engrish.

    12:44 PM  
    Anonymous chad said...

    I liked Dig a lot. The Brian Jonestown Massacre is one of the most messed up bands out there. I guess they were big in Japan though. Best line from the movie:

    "Where's all that blood from?"
    "Other people's faces."

    that's rock

    3:53 AM  
    Blogger Travis said...

    Paul- I read this at a workstation on a break in the PICU, (pediatric intensive care unit). I am almost uncontrollably laughing, especially during the priority seating part, and drew several looks from nearby nurses who wonder why it is ok for me to laugh out loud when people's children are on ventilators ten feet away.

    This is great. Thanks for posts that are Paul-documentary.

    1. I always learn more interesting things about the Japanese culture
    2. Always good for a laugh
    3. There usually is pictures of hot Japanese girls included.

    Brando- love the too.

    1:57 AM  
    Blogger Jinxy said...


    That whole riff on the subway people was fucking hysterical. Save that one please.

    Guyana. I could have gotten those tickets, too.

    Don't drink the Kool Aid.

    3:28 AM  
    Blogger Ghost Dog said...

    The Total Recall reference was spot-on. Still chuclking about where Kuato ranks in the seat-priority scheme.

    On MAX, they periodically make an announcement that "riders should yield seating to seniors and riders with disabilities." No love for Kuato at all.

    2:45 PM  

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