Sunday, February 19, 2006

I think I see some Pigeon shit.......Over there....

Quote of the Weekend:
Oatmeal? Oatmeal's what you feed orphans, but over here they act like it's a fucking delicacy.
- Canadian Paul

I’ve noticed a few things in the past 24 hours.

First of all, whenever I am “into my cups” and pictures are being taken, pretending to look at something off camera seems very amusing to me…..and red-eye sucks.

Second of all, I really hate talking to chicks at bars. I’m not particularly good at continuing banter, and most chicks in general either don’t understand my humor or don’t think it’s funny/find it offensive. Cultural shit complicates stuff too.

Third, Taco Bell seems like the best idea in the history of food consumption when you haven’t eaten there in a while, but when you go ahead and eat it, it’s not as great as you expected.

And forth, “pigeon shit” is the least of a person’s worries while enjoying the benefits of Japanese public transportation. I’ll get to that later.

Anywho, a bar I used to go to a lot had its final party this weekend, so I cruised out, met the Canadians, and we had ourselves a time.

On the way down, I noticed this sign.

Beware of Pigeon Shit!!

Beware of pigeon shit.

I arrived on the scene and paid 1000yen for all I could drink. That’s about $8.50, so it was pretty much “on”. Not that price is ever an object when it comes to puttin’ down booze, but the idea that I can drink as much as I want for $8.50 tickles me pink, and yeah, it’s like a blatant challenge too.

Thank the Gods that I am the king of self restraint (and not an alcoholic).

In any case, it didn’t take much. I decided to break my normal habit and cruise up to the ole gym in Tokyo and roll, which was awesome and I think I’m going to start going on Saturdays. I was a bit dehydrated and didn’t eat a whole lot, so I was a cheap date.

The Canadians showed up a little after me, while things were pretty mellow.

Canadian Invasion

It's funny, because Canadians used to be in the Top 3 of my Pantheons of Dickhead Countries. They're off the list now, except for maybe Québécois.

I digress.

Eventually, at some point in the night, it had to happen. The camera had to come out.

I started off by making sure that my makeup was good.

I checked in with one of the owners and some chick with a pretty sweet tattoo.

Here is me, the tattoo’d chick, and Stephan, the owner.

Here is the chick’s tattoo. Nice eh?

Tat'd up biyotch

Drew was talking to this girl that seemed pretty cool. After talking to her for a bit, I informed her that she “really seemed to have her shit together.” After a blank look, she told me to explain it in Japanese, but at that point my English and Japanese facilities were severely limited, which would also explain why I would tell a girl that she “really seemed to have her shit together.” Here’s the three of us.

So my little sidekick was there, and since she speaks Italian, English, and Japanese at a native-speaker level, I said, “hey, how would I say someone had their shit together in Japanese?” She didn’t really know, so I tried to crush her to death, as seen here, all the while looking at something interesting off to the side.


As the night came to a close (6am), I snapped off a final picture. I’m really impressed at how sober I look after drinking all night, aren’t you?

i'm quite drunk

So we came back home and the Canadians kept crashing through the train gates. We spotted this guy passed out in the station.


That’s why a sign telling you to beware of pigeon shit is so ludicrous. Every morning, the stations are full of guys like this, and it looks as if an epic battle took place between a human stomach and a juice weasel. Vomit everywhere. It’s gross.

This is where I slept.


The Canadians came over and passed out at my place, so I took the couch. It looks like a wee couch, which it is, but I’m a wee feller, so it’s no problem. We cruised over to Atsugi and had us some Taco Bell which was yummy, but, as always, a little below my expectations. Bringing fellow westerners shopping on base is always amusing. You’d think they were marooned on an island for 5 years, what with all the excitement over a thing of Quaker Oats. The price difference is definitely insane though. A $7 box of Tide laundry powder is $20 on the outside, and oat meal is about 5 times as expensive.

Time for some Oatmeal. President’s Day is tomorrow, and I will be working out twice to burn off all the Taco Bell I demolished today. Hope you all had a good weekend!!

Update: Oatmeal's good mmkaaay?


Anonymous Cory said...

That lady's tattoo is off the hizzle. You shoulda asked her if she knew where the Green Destiny was, because its been stolen from the Emperor. Mostly because that probably would've been an insult (I think that movie was chinese) and it would've been in line with your regular bar-posts.

Note: Off-camera-facing pics are the only way to go.

4:19 AM  
Blogger brando said...

Hey Captian Red Ears. Looks like you had a jolly time. I like oatmeal too, especially the strawberrys and cream kind.

5:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm glad to see you keeping the tradition alive, Paul. Not many people can hang around beautiful girls all night and yet still decide that getting shit-faced is infanately more rewarding than bedding one of those dirty who-ers.
ps. Oatmeal is so passe'. It's the half-eaten whopper that was left over from the night before that really gets the Folgers in your cup.

11:52 AM  
Blogger Jack Burton said...

looks like a good time.. I have to ask though, how easy/hard is it for an american to pick up a typical japanese girl? you hear so many stories it's hard to seperate fact from poo.

7:10 PM  
Anonymous Cory said...

I think Jack Burton is talking about our huge American dongs.

10:37 PM  
Blogger Paul said...

thanks mr anonymous. yeah, getting so shitfaced that i don't notice anyone around me is a tradition that i'm proud to uphold. or instead of seeing them for what they are, which is "hot chicks," i see them as more props for whatever humor kick i happen to be on.

"hey watch this!" *scream*

i think that ease of picking up chicks is directly proportionate to how much cheese you're willing to lay on. most guys come to asia and really lay on the cheesieness because the girls cant really understand them and they can't understand the girls, so everything is ok. they'd never misbehave like that in their native country 'cuz they'd be laughed off the scene. sure, there is the whole "foreigner" thing, but believe you me, us roundeyes have definitely overstayed our welcome in tokyo. maybe we'll get stares or giggles in other places, but tokyoites are all gaijin'd out. this isnt the 80s, but people still seem to think you can get rich teaching english and j-girls will fall over for you. some guys get more attention than they do at home 'cuz j-girls find different things attractive (read: don't know what an ugly gaijin looks like), but thankfully the black hole that is my charisma is also bilingual.

12:49 AM  
Blogger Travis said...


I laughed really hard at your pictorial night. Thank you, I felt like I was there. I also noted two things. One- I think it would be hard to always look off like that, you really are focused. Two- That must have been the hot japanese girl bar. damn.

2:47 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

well shit, i have an open invitation to a night (or a week or so) of "unmitigated joy" (brando knows what im talkin about) to anyone who wants to come out.

isnt there some medical exchange program you can do out here? oh wait, i forgot. japan's biomedical technology is circa 1812, which is why they all go to the USA to learn it.

9:08 AM  
Blogger Nicole said...

Offensive humor is an acquired taste. That and chicks try to come off as proper and holier-than-thou, while they're really laughing inside and scolding you outwardly.

I used to live in Okinawa. When I was 3. And I have no clue where that is in relation to where you are. But...oh f it, I just wanted to type something.

I concur on the disappointing Taco Bell. It's like holidays. You hype them up in your head, and they're never as good as you thought they would be. That and I think the food doesn't have the same grease and poor meat quality as that here in the States. The Pizza Hut in Germany, Burger Kings and McDonald's in France and Italy, never quite compared to real fast food from home.

Thanks for stopping by my blog...

9:06 AM  
Blogger A Unique Alias said...

All these comments and no one asked who the dopey looking balding wasted guy in the middle of the picture four from the bottom???

Did someone bust him in the skull or something?

11:42 AM  

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