Monday, March 27, 2006

If only you could see what I've seen with your eyes...

Like the title of this post? Can you name what movie it's from?

Here, lemme help out those of you who grew up in a bunker. I'll provide another line:

  • My birthday is April 10, 2017. How long do I live?
  • Four years.
  • More than you. Painful to live in fear, isn't it? Nothing is worse than having an itch you can never scratch.
  • Oh, I agree.
  • Wake up! Time to die.

    So why am I even talking about this? Oh, I'll tell you why, and it has to do with drinking. Heavy drinking. And I'm not just talking about drinking by yourself, listening to Bryan Adams, and staring at pictures of your ex, which a friend of mine does every weekend. I'm talking about drinking with other people.

    I've always thought, and by "always" I mean "in the last few years," that people are who they are not when they're sober, but when they're drunk. I know, I know, this sounds obvious, but most of the time you just hear that drinking "lessens inhibitions" and shit like that. Negative. That's oversimplified. I'm gonna take leap over a narrow (but deep!) chasm and say that you are who you are for real when you're shithoused.

    "Hey fuckstick, what's the difference?" is probably what you're thinking right now, so I'll tell you. It's the difference between "I'm violent when I'm drunk" and "I'm non-violent when I'm sober." Subtle, but very very different.

    I find apologizing after a night of drinking unacceptable. People should be apologizing to me for not acting a certain way when they're sober, not for acting a certain way when they're drunk. I find one night of aberrant behavior far less offensive than, say, being deceived for months and months on end by someone's false sober behavior until I find out how someone really is when they drink. Don't apologize to me for being a drunken asshole one night. Apologize to me (or have your parents apologize to me) for being a repressed, deceitful person who I don't even know when I thought I did. What's it like living a lie? That's like apologizing to me for wrecking my favorite shirt after blasting me in the chest with a harpoon gun. *THWACK!* "Oh shit, sorry bout your shirt man."

    I'm not going to lie though. I've apologized for drunken behavior many times. "Is your girlfriend ok? Can you tell her I'm sorry? I don't normally push women into garbage piles for cheap laughs." Wrong, Paul. You do. You do. Aberrance is defined as straying from "the norm." Let's not bullshit ourselves. Aberrant behavior and sobriety are the same thing.

    That being said, I'm happy to think that, while my aberrant sobriety is a bit different than who I really am (when I'm drunk), I'm not a completely different person. I am, however, a huge jerk. A real piece of work. A complete asshole who will do anything for a cheap laugh, and generally go out of his way to encourage group-wide explosive laughter at a single person, usually a woman, the cuter and nicer they are, the more relentless the ribbing. And God help anyone who is rude, discourteous, "edgy," a walking stereotype, makes a factual error during a discussion, however miniscule, or a combination of any of those things.. Another thing I'm prone to do is become obsessed with a word, such as "mongoloid," or in the case of this weekend, "lesbian". I think it's Travis's fault, cuz I'm not even into lesbians like other folks are. All I know is that during a discussion about racism in Japan and the USA, all I could muster up were statements like, "I know you're Japanese and you may be biased about racial issues in Japan and whatnot, but what does all this have to do with you being a lesbian?" and "That's fine, and you make a valid point, but dyking out is a sin and I wish you'd stop."

    Results: Explosive laughter, more lesbian references.

    So I guess that's it then. When all the layers are lifted, when all the pretty wrapping paper and bow have been torn off and the mental packaging strewn across the floor, what you're left with is a misogynistic assclown who, even though he can't partake in a healthy debate because he's drunker than 4 people, can muster up the coherence and muscle power to repeatedly call a very nice person a sinful bull-dyke.

    Classy. Educated. Mature. That's me. Period. Point blank. Case closed.

    Your continued readership of this blog acknowledges and encourages the fact that I am not responsible for who I am, nor am I responsible for you, should you be swept up in my swath of destructo-drunkeness.

    I apologize for living a lie and being so deceitful during my chronic sobriety. In all sincerity though, nothing would give me greater pleasure than tipping back a 5th of Vodka with each and every one of you and embracing He Who is Me...

    And making fun of you.



    Anonymous eric said...

    I confess that I try to keep from blowing my cover, which like you said occurs after downing too much vodka - though every once in a while after about 3 stiff Caucasians, I'll wake the next morning and think, "God, I hate myself." (you really don't want to know what I did... probably got naked in front of a lot of men and women, maybe even tea-bagging them while they're wide awake...) And then I go back to living the lie.

    Fantasy has always seemed to be better than reality anyway, but I wonder if you are posing a challenge to this?

    2:53 PM  
    Blogger Paul said...

    well, the thing is, there've been so many times when i've gotten roaring drunk with people that i thought i knew, and it turns out they're "completely different people when they're drunk". i always had a problem with that, because as far as I'm concerned, you are who you are when you're drunk.

    it's not like im some kind've judgemental hardass or anything. i make a lot of allowances to drunken behavior because people have been more than kind in the past (and future, no doubt) about making allowances for my stupid behavior. and hell, social/cultural repression is a good thing. if someone beats the shit out of their wife only when they drink, choses never to drink, and can therefore function in society without givin' the mrs the old one-two, i'm all about repression via sobriety!!

    3:00 PM  
    Blogger brando said...

    Drunk? Wha'cha mean. As drunk as this

    Or perhaps drunk like this?

    But never, ever, let yourself get as drunk as this.

    3:23 PM  
    Blogger Paul said...


    I believe we've found an exception... And a new, or is it old?...definition of a "drunken retard". or a standard to measure things by.

    was that the night i did the vogue with him?

    i also like how i look about 12 years old in that picture. i guess i was 19 eh. cute.

    3:56 PM  
    Blogger brando said...

    C'mon. Don't make fun of beefcake. Er, wait. Maybe you were making fun of me.

    Also I wanted to note that your movie was the first film shown in the Maquoketa movie theatre.

    4:09 PM  
    Anonymous eric said...

    I like your phrase "you are who you are when you're drunk" - I have always thought of drugs "and alcohal" as truth serums. That is why I am very cautious about who I get tanked around... Except, as Brando likes to recall, the first time I met you at Brando's D'n'D gathering.

    I thought of something else that makes at least some guys "completely different" - certain women. Yep, they turn into bumbling backstabbers. And when I say "they", I mean "me"

    8:56 AM  
    Blogger Paul said...

    yeah, when you decided that red dog was the best beer ever and, as brando put it, proceded to "wreck the evening."

    i dont feel that you wrecked the evening though. it was memorable if nothing else. and for some reason i always get a kick out of situations where brando is getting really mad at everyone and no one else seems to notice/be aware that he's getting pissed off.

    cory's really good at creating those situations, i noticed.

    10:00 AM  
    Anonymous Cory said...

    Its easy when you know how to word it:

    Brandon, I really respect you and your opinions, but I generally think you're full of shit.

    Also, make sure you claim Drow are purple and don't ever back down.

    1:20 AM  
    Blogger brando said...

    Oh man, the "drow are purple" incident. Cripes. I'm reliving it right now.

    4:28 AM  
    Blogger Paul said...

    i dont think i was there for that one. was cory making stuff up or running some weird diversionary/counter accusation tactic?

    7:17 AM  
    Blogger Jinxy said...

    Roy Batty.

    Blade Runner.

    Didn't even have to read the rest of your post.

    11:51 AM  
    Blogger Jinxy said...

    Let me throw some Hemingway education at you:

    "I wished Mike would not behave so terribly to Cohn, though. Mike was a bad drunk. Brett was a good drunk. Cohn was never drunk. Mike was unpleasant after he passed a certain point. I liked to see him hurt Cohn. I wished he would not do it, though, because afterward it made me feel disgusted at myself. That was morality, things that made you disgusted afterward."

    I don't know how that applies to you in any way, shape, or form, but I really like "The Sun Also Rises".

    11:57 AM  
    Blogger A Unique Alias said...

    Yeah, I call fuckin' shenanigans on this post, Paul. Depending on what I drink, I'm a different person.

    |SoCo - Doesn't do a thing to me.
    |Guinness – Same as above
    |PBR – Turns me into a miserable, depressing bastard
    |Gin - Makes me fight.
    |Vodka - Makes me really insanely happy, followed immediately by nausea and vomiting.
    |Tequilla - Makes me really friendly to strangers.
    |Red Wine - Passive/Aggressive, heavy on the aggressive.
    |Rum - Party-time at first, out-cold thirty minutes later.

    Worst case scenario, your hypothesis is accurate and I have some kinda multiple personality disorder.

    4:18 AM  
    Blogger Paul said...

    I might very well rate a shenanigans on this one, because I only drink vodka.

    ...but, as I'm sure you well know, the next person who says shenanigans is getting pistol whipped, so stand by.

    The multiple personality thing makes more sense, and it takes away even more personal responsibility than before, which is what we're going for here, because fuck personal responsibility.

    7:42 AM  
    Blogger Jinxy said...

    What the fuck does "calling shenanigans" mean?

    I'm so unhip.

    9:37 AM  
    Blogger Jinxy said...


    9:40 AM  
    Blogger brando said...

    Shenanigans and doing shots. All in the same picture.

    Our shenanigans are cheeky and fun.

    11:30 AM  
    Blogger A Unique Alias said...

    Unless I'm counting wrong, I think that's one pistol-whippin' for Jinxy, and one pistol-whippin' for Brando.

    Fuck personal responsibility, indeed. I just don't drink certain things at all anymore, unless I'm somewhere where I REALLY want to offend people and possibly get some exercise.

    10:43 PM  

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