Monday, August 08, 2005

Expats are Creepy...

...and I, dear friends, am no different...

But at least I don't look like a creepy fucker.

So I'm standing on the train platform this weekend waiting to go up to the NFL game up at Tokyo Dome when I spied an old white dude sitting on the bench. He had long gray hair, a long gray beard, glasses, a green field jacket with military shit on it, and a military hat. He didn't see me so I kinda laid low next to a pillar and hoped that he wouldn't see me.

About 5 minutes later I hear someone say, "Are you in the Marines?" This is not an unreasonable question, 'cuz I have an Eagle, Globe, and Anchor tattoo on my right calf. Since it's officially "Hot as Fuck" here in Tokyo, I cruise around in shorts. Now that he was all up in my face, I got a better look at him. Super skinny, sunken in features, vacant, wide eyes, and fucked up yeller teeth. The kind that have a white line across them, like he had braces and didn't brush his teeth the whole time, but judging by how crooked his teeth were, I don't know what caused it. All I really knew is that this dude was a weirdo and this weirdo was talking to me. So he asked me a question, and it would be most discourteous of me to ignore him, so I said, "I was in the Marines for 5 years, but now I'm not," to which he replied:

"The Marines gave me a medal 37 years ago, but I'm United States Army......." and pointed at the US Army on his jacket..

OK fucker, this is where the conversation ends.

I wonder if he thinks this is the first time I've had some freak tell me that they were in the military way back when. I always wonder what kind of reaction they're looking for. I also wonder if I look like the type of person who would brighten up and say, "REALLY? TELL ME A STORY!!" so they can say, "well, son, there I was, on muh belly in Da Nang, waist deep in the shit..........."

Fuck them. That reminds of Ft Benning, GA.

Fun Fact #1:
  • Every cab driver, tattoo artist, and morbidly obese no-name around Ft Benning, GA, was a Ranger Battalion 1st Sgt or Sgt Major, or Special Forces in Vietnam

    I always wanted to tell them, "Hey man, any cool points you mighta had for being a stinky cabbie were lost when you told me you were a Sgt Maj.."

    But Ft Benning's SMFSXSF (Sergeant Major First Sergeant Ex-Special Forces) infestation would lead me to believe that they get a favorable reaction from many of the kids who get rides to Victory Drive in their cabs. Maybe a sample conversation would go like this:
  • Cabbie: So you kids hnyah fuh jump skewl?
  • PFC: Yessir!
  • Cabbie: Don't yessuh me, youngstuhz. I was a Ranger Bat Sahjent May-juh in Vee-et-nayum... Wounded...
  • PFC: Wow Sarjint Mayjur! (ooh aah) ....Does it hurt when you land? Is jumping scary? Today Sergeant Airborne yelled at me!

    Fun Fact #2:
  • Being a former Sgt Maj doesn't make you cool. While there are so very very cool Saj Maj's out there, I would say that it would make me think you leaned a little more towards the dickhead side of the house. When I was active duty and someone told me they were a Sgt Maj from the get go, I immediately assumed that they were insecure and felt like they were trying to "Alpha Male" me in some way and establish their "dominance." Hi, I didn't know we were on the playground at recess. Using your rank when you get out is lame anyway.

    Fun Fact #3:
  • Even if you were a Sgt Maj "back in the day," it doesn't change the fact that you drive a shitty cab and you smell like feces. If you were in fact a Sgt Maj, or a good one at least, you wouldn't look like a herd of shit monsters ran a train on your face. You'd be in Florida playing golf or something.

    Either way, there's no shortage of compulsive liars in the Military. Maybe those compulsive liars get out of the military, they hang out in military towns, and try to look cool by making up stupid stories. Or maybe all the cabbies are actually former Ranger Bat NCOICs, and they love Rangers so goddamn much that they've pledged to drive them to strip clubs on Victory Drive till the day they die.

    I'm sure some of you think I'm being very harsh on cab drivers. There's nothing wrong with being a cab driver... But pretty please, with sugar on top, don't drive some piece of shit car that you haven't cleaned since Thriller and try and make me "subservient" by telling me a stupid lie. That's offensive to me. Not being a cabbie. Cabbies rock. If you think I'm looking down on cabbies, uuh, I dunno, close this window and go be mad at me somewhere. (That last sentence was waaay more offensive about 30 seconds ago but I toned it down a bit.).

    I digress.

    So I'm there on the platform at the train station and some dude has just told me that "the Marines gave him a medal 37 years ago." My first question naturally was, "You can get a medal for halitosis?' but I didn't say anything. Anything worth getting a medal for isn't something that you go up to strangers on train platforms and talk about. People who get medals worth bragging about generally don't brag about them, and they usually don't feel like they did anything particularly special. I guess I felt sorry for the guy -- if you saw him in the states, you would think he was homeless or crazy. Yet here he is in Japan, not showering since the Meiji Era, probably making up stories and seeking approval from some stranger on a train platform.

    Hope you all had a good weekend. I'm gonna go make up some extravagant lies in an attempt to make youngsters think I'm cool.

    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    "My first question naturally was, 'You can get a medal for halitosis?'"

    This may be the funniest thing I have read all week....


    1:40 AM  
    Blogger Jinxy said...

    There was a kid named Puddin' in my basic training class who went and got an Airborne tattoo on his arm a couple of days before his first jump.

    Boy, it looked cool. All silvery with wings and parachute and such.

    First jump he got a compound fracture of his leg and ended up becoming an 11-Mike.

    Fat fuck.

    10:39 AM  

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