Monday, December 19, 2005

Nigerian Zombies Invade Tokyo

Quote of the weekend:
Wow, you sure know how to eat.

At 5:30am in a Ramen shop, this had a lot of comedic value to me. Anyone who's seen me eat when I'm drunk would also understand. What this girl was witnessing was what I like to call Ramennihilation. The fact that it was said by a non-native speaker of English made it all the more funny too.

I also saw Land of the Dead with the same non-native speaker of English, which gave me an interesting perspective 'cuz I had the English subtitles on. For instance, did you know that the black Zombie (African-American Zombie?) was actually called "Big Daddy"? Here's big daddy coming out of the water:

It looked like this on subtitles:

Big Daddy: [Groaning]
Big Daddy: [Screams triumphantly]

All in all, I was disappointed in the movie. It wasn't so much a movie about Zombies with some other secondary plot, it was a movie about an oppressive Big Man in a post apocalyptic scenario......which happened to contain zombies... I guess the zombies were all tired out too, cuz they didn't come charging after people in a full-on sprint like in the last one. I was thinking that if a movie is gonna be [something] Of The Dead, the zombies ought to be similar. That's what made the zombie problem so hard to deal with in Dawn of the Dead -- it was like having a horde of olympic sprinters running after you trying to eat you. Maybe they just lost their motivation after a while.

I'm a little surprised that a certain Zombie connoisseur didn't have more to say on this movie.

Oh yeah, and not wasting the Zombies at the end? "....They're just looking for somewhere to go." Oh yeah, brilliant dude, as if to say, "...Maybe we're not so different from Zombies after all." Uuuh aside from the whole eating ur flesh and turning you into a zombie thing?????? Any real zombie hunter woulda lit those fuckers up with the chaingun.

And besides, everyone knows that if you don't eradicate displaced minority groups, they become a real pain in the ass later on and try and overthrow your society. Sheesh.. In another 200 years, zombies are gonna be demanding equal rights and shit, and they're gonna be stealing jobs and scholarships from our great-great-great-great-great grandchildren. There's gonna be Zombie Rights Activists running around, Zombies in the military (not a bad idea really), Zombies becoming lawyers and teachers, Zombies marrying white chicks.... So do the right thing. Wipe them off the face of the earth.

In other news, click here to read about Japan's Nigerian infestation.

My favorite quote from this news article is the following:

"We've suffered due to the civil unrest," says a Nigerian automobile broker who came to Japan 10 years ago. "We're willing to do anything to stay alive. There's no reason why we shouldn't prey upon Japanese, who lack the slightest sense of caution."

Nothing could be more dead on. I still get a kick out of his wording. "There's no reason why we shouldn't prey on the Japanese." Apparently victimizing people doesn't count as a reason not to do something. In this sense he's totally on -- Japanese people are totally unprepared for anything like what these guys are willing to do. I don't think that people who come from stable, law abiding societies can ever hope to hang with guys like Nigerians when it comes to scamming and just being general scumbags. They have more audacity than most people can imagine.

In other Nigerian news, here's a story about the Little Nigerian that Couldn't. What couldn't he do? He couldn't shop on base.

Friday turned himself in Tuesday before noon, the official said. He told police he wanted to shop on base and had bought the forged card from a Chinese person in Shibuya, police said.

Wouldn't he be surprised to discover that he couldn't pay in yen at the main store? Well, at least he could have gotten some Burger King. Cripes, if he wanted to do some shopping, I woulda happily brought him on.

OK, other than that, nothing too new to report... I know this is a short post, but hopefully in the comments section I'll get some good zombie knowledge / some excuses for such a shitty zombie movie... I also realized that this post probably makes me sound like a huge racist, so maybe someone will take everything I wrote seriously and post a nasty response.


Anonymous brando said...

This was sort of a two-parter. Just wait until Cory reads about the zombies. He has zombies on the brain. or at least the zombies looking for brains. You'll hear the full zombie scoop later.

I'm here to tell you that you shouldn't judge people from Nigeria. It isn't fair or correct that you operate on the basis that different cultures are unequal. All societies have something to contribute, and you are not God, and have no right to judge anyone. Every society is wonderful in its own special way. May God have mercy on your soul.

12:10 PM  
Blogger Paul said...

Hamas might have something there. Maybe they were just posting in response to some of the pics we took in the 'stan.

That's my war face. I'm saying, "Look at my little sociopath fighting for democracy!!!"

I love indoctrinating children.

12:25 PM  
Blogger Jinxy said...

If you check out my July 4, 2005 post you'll note that I already talked about how much I enjoyed it.

My only problem is that it's great and all that they figure out how to pull the trigger on an M-16, but I'd like to see those mush buckets figure out how to change the magazine once they run out of ammo.

Besides, I've got Peter Jackson's zombie gore fest "Dead Alive" coming from Netflix.

9:18 PM  
Blogger Paul said...

I dunno man........ I just wasn't feelin' it. I felt that zombies were really just something thrown in there to support the main plot. It could have been called "Fiddler's Green Folies".

And what's the deal with "Fiddler's Green"? That's the name of a concert threatre in Denver. I saw George Michael there when I was in 7th grade. Yeah. Faith tour. Rocked.

In Dawn of the Dead, it was all Zombies. The movie was based around Zombies, and they were terrifying. Furthermore, Zombies are supposed to be mindless. Otherwise, they're not Zombies, they're something else. Maybe Appalachians.

9:25 PM  
Anonymous Big Daddy Cory said...

Oh no you didn't! You did NOT just confuse a remake of Dawn of the Dead as the original Dawn of the Dead, and then apply that confusion to your opinion of the second sequel to the original movie! For shame! Prepare to be zombi-fed some information for your rotting brain...

Rudimentary Zombie Flicks 101:

Father of Zombie Horror
= George Romero

Chronological order of Zombie Movies by George Romero in the same consistant zombified world
= Night of the Living Dead (1968), Dawn of the Dead (1978), Day of the Dead (1985), Land of the Dead (2005)

RE-makes of George Romero movies by people who are NOT George Romero
= Night of the Living Dead (1990 - Tom Savini), Dawn of the Dead (2004 - Zack Snyder)

Clearly what you saw for Dawn of the Dead was the 2004 version, which had the super-fast 28-days later pop-out zombies, and has nothing to do with Romero's next-year release of Land of the Dead which is a continuation of the slow zombies in Dawn of the Dead (1978).

Why would Romero not switch to fast zombies when that is clearly scarier? Because his movies are about how when the pressure is on humans will screw-over eachother and ultimately be killed not because a zombie chased them down, but because people are inherently selfish and illogical and when scared will be unable to work together due to prejudices and elitism. That's why all of Romeros protagonists (or main characters, like "Big Daddy") are minorities (black guys in "Night," "Dawn" and "Land," and a woman in "Day"). The zombies just present a constant situation of pressure that breaks the will of those that are used to being in power (white dudes, in this case), because they can't deal with existing in the minority as they have become fat and weak (mentally).

As far as not killing the zombies at the end of Land, I think that was due to that dude realizing that since the zombies could learn, they were probably in actuality the next stage of human 'evolution' (and a completely bad-ass species in that regard). Though I agree they should still kill 'em, regardless.

So there's your nasty response from a reader who takes this shit far too seriously, and just had to correct your fast-zombie / slow-zombie consistency problem.

6:28 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

Roger that. I stand corrected. I'll give you 75% of that post, and you are clearly the King.

Of what? I'm not sure.


This is malarchy and you know it:

As far as not killing the zombies at the end of Land, I think that was due to that dude realizing that since the zombies could learn, they were probably in actuality the next stage of human 'evolution' (and a completely bad-ass species in that regard). Though I agree they should still kill 'em, regardless.

Don't undermine your Kingly status with such silliness.


Perhaps the zombie paradigm (zombidigm) has changed? People aren't interested in zombie aesthetics (zombthetics). They want Xtreme-Zombie (Xombie). Zombies that don't wander around aimlessly hoping for a piece of flesh. No, they want aggressive Xombies that know what they want and aren't afraid to sprint after it.

Hopefully your zombie snobbery (znobbery; or xnobbery for the other xombidigm) didn't prevent you from enjoying Shaun of the Dead. =)

7:35 AM  
Anonymous cory said...

I don't mean to say that I think they are the next stage of evolution, but that Romero was tryin' to make it seem as if Mr. Heropants looked at "Big Daddy" and, since they could learn, suddenly felt compassion for them.

Or maybe he just wanted to have the major zombie live. Who knows. Okay, I went overboard with my analysis.

Zombies eat people. Fin.

8:18 AM  
Blogger Paul said...


Excuse the outburst. (I accidentally wrote "outbreak" and changed it to "outburst". I'm a real tard.)

Hopefully sometime in the not too hideously distant future I'll make it out there and have some beers with u and Brando and we can compare/contrast zombies and xombies, and maybe come up with an original zombidigm. I bet Eric would be really freakin awesome to have around during such a conversation. That motherfucker knows how to think. (As long as there's no Red Dog around..*ahem*)

9:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thats funny, I was playing Resident Evil 4 and those fuckers run at you with chainsaws and cut your fuckin head off. Get it get just get it.


10:12 AM  
Anonymous Cory said...

Speaking of Shaun of the Dead, at the rave in Land of the Dead (where they put the chick in the cage with the zombies) there's some zombies tied up getting their pictures taken. Those two zombies are the main dude and the director from Shaun of the Dead. Romero loved their movie so put them as zombies in LotD.

12:31 AM  
Anonymous brando said...

Cory sent me the source book "All Flesh Must Be Eaten" whilst in Iraq. I enjoyed it so much that upon leaving I held a small funeral ceremony in the opsec burn-barrel so no Jibbilis would get their hands on it.

Sometimes people would put rounds in the burnbag, just for fun. So that the poor guy that has to burn letters gets a little suprise. Is that common?

2:13 PM  
Blogger Joaquin said...

Any way to get the original article, it seems to be taken down. I have been scammed once and harassed too many times to count.

11:30 AM  
Blogger Hiroshi said...

I'm Nigerian, I'm sorry that most of them there behave that way...
but i assure you we are peace loving people..
most of them there have been twisted by the will to make money...
A Nigeria is very proud where ever he is thats why they insult when you don't comply,
this does not make it acceptable... But please Accept my apology on behalf of every Nigerian
in these Roppongi places giving trouble.... Let me show you what will get to them; When they
misbehave at you again, remind them if there mothers and fathers will be happy at them doing this...
remind them about the disgrace they bring upon their father Land... ask them have they
forgotten God because of hardship and corruption... Any Normal Nigerian that grew up at
home will be called to reason.

6:48 PM  

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