Friday, September 30, 2005

Crackbabies Unite

Yeah, I've uncovered a ninja conspiracy.

I know ninja obsession is kinda 2003, but I've always had a soft spot for ninjas. I like to think I was a ninja fan at the grass roots level, growing up with Cobra Commander and Michael Dudikoff. (Just for the record, I always thought Destro was way cooler, especially when he's doing something sexy..

Oh yeah, and I live in Japan. Ninjas come from Japan, so they don't have an expiration date here.

My friend seems to've seen the ninjas too. He noticed the other day that the construction workers in his building were wearing split toe ninja shoes (which is what all Japanese construction workers wear) and that they were running along the top of the cubicle dividers. You know, like 6 feet up in the air and an inch wide. Clearly this indicates high level secret ninja school training.

We've also noticed a lot of fishy things on the way to the station. There's a stretch of road from the gate near my place to the station, about a 5 minute walk. Lately, something weird always happens. The other day we were walking, and a man said to us, "I DON'T LIKE THAT KIND OF TIRE." So we stopped and looked at him, and again, he exclaimed con mucho gusto, "I DON'T LIKE THAT KIND OF TIRE.". I looked at my friend and said, "Thank God we've found something we can all agree on," and we walked on.

Then a dog ran by with a dominos pizza flag-on-wheels attached to it.

I was walking down there on Wednesday to go up to Tokyo for work, and this guy started shouting at me, "HALLOWEEN DISNEY, GO JANG GO! HALLOWEEN DISNEY, GO JANG GO! yoroshiku!" It was either "Halloween" or "following" -- they sound similar when they're being screamed at you by a fat Japanese dude. The second word was clearly Disney, and "go jang go" doesn't mean anything as far as I know. Yoroshiku means yoroshiku. Hard to translate. Maybe like, "...carry on" or "...ok then" or "..fine then" or something.

My friend also got accosted by a Japanese meth-head chick trying to pawn electronic goods.

Additionally, while completely separate from weirdo avenue, a guy in my department follows us around the gym and waves to us every 3 seconds. It's like I have a retarded helper monkey chasing me around the gym, muttering in Japanese, and waving to me.... but here's the thing -- he's a blackbelt in Aikido. Yeah. No shit. Aikido instructor.

You do the math.

Ok, I'll do it for you...

.......we've decided that he's the ringleader of some strange ninja group. For whatever reason, they've infiltrated everything, and are doing surveillance ops on the street leading to the station. Their insane behavior is just a cover for something much, much bigger.

  • Condition Orange until further notice. For Chrissakes, don't get caught in the white.
  • Utilize SDRs.
  • Brush up on your bicycle IA drills.
  • Primary comms is burp-talking; pig latin for encryption
  • Challenge is "Crack", reply is "Baby"

    This has been your Going-to-the-station Brief.


    Uncovering this conspiracy will open a lot of doors in the future, and by "open doors," I mean that we as regular citizens will be able to get away with a lot more. The reason is simple: blame everything on ninjas. Who's gonna oppose you? No one. Why? Cuz if a ninja attacks you, what can you do about it? Nothing. Everyone knows they tend to swarm on you, and unless you're Chuck Norris, you're completely fucked. Here are some examples of what I mean.

  • Scenario 1: You've overslept and are late for work.
    Boss: Why are you late?
    You: Got attacked by ninjas on the way over.
    Boss: Ah, ok. Yeah that happened to me last week.

  • Scenario 2: You're shitfaced at work
    Boss: Are you drunk?
    You: Naw, ninjas broke into my house, drugged me, and interrogated me all night..
    Boss: Again? Wow, you must know some pretty important information. Good luck bro. Next time just take the day off.

  • Scenario 3: You blacked out at a bar and woke up in bed with a strange man
    Boss: Why are you walking funny?
    You: Well, ninjas kidnapped my family and held them for ransom until I delivered a secret scroll.
    Boss: But why are you walking funny?
    You: They made me carry it in my ass.

    I dunno what I'm trying to say here, folks, but just be careful. You never know when this guy might fly through your skylight and totally wreck your shit.

    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Go Jang Go!

    1:53 PM  
    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I have seen the ninja conspiracy....

    In childrens books...

    4:45 AM  
    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    dude, it's jim.

    it's the crack, homey--quit smokin it, seriously.

    and don't forget to carry a signal mirror with you--it could save your life.

    12:10 PM  
    Blogger That Guy said...

    wow...just wow...

    you've been in Japan a bit too long when you come up with stuff like that. It's that Japan madness I heard about setting in. I was only there for two years so I escaped it

    On top of that...make sure you don't become the gaijin ojisan that creeps everyone out cuz you think you can still pull it off those guys at the international friends parties in Tokyo going after the low hanging fruit (if ya know what I mean)

    : )

    1:35 AM  

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