I dunno man.. I think you might need a fire extinguisher.Why would I need that?BECAUSE YOUR FUCKING PANTS ARE ON FIRE.
That's right folks. I encountered another compulsive liar! That's liar liar
#3 since I got here last year, and liar liar #2 that I encountered in the gym.
As many of you know, I work on an Army base, so I go to the Army gym because it's really nice and really free. Anyway, while I was there today some kid next to me says, "Nice tattoo." He was wearing the Army PT uniform, and was giving me the "secret membership" look. Like, "mmmhmmm, yeah, I'm down, Oohrah..."
"OK," I thought. I'll play. Here's how the conversation went. I will make brief pauses to explain why I immediately knew this guy was full of shit
:Him: You were in the corps?
Him: What was your MOS?
Me: XXXX <- 4 digit number Him: Oh, OK.
OK, asking someone's MOS (mission occupational specialty) is totally reasonable, and typically the first question one marine asks another. The fact that he didn't ask what my MOS meant or make a followup comment indicating that he knew what it was was bullshit-sign #1. No one ever knows what my MOS # means. It's not common, and if he knew what it was, he would have had the experience of working with like MOS'd folks, and would have said something. Continuing.Me: What was yours?
Him: 0311. (Infantry)
Me: (Smiling) Oh yeah? Cool. Where at?
Him: With the 35th M.E.U. (he said it like "Em-Ee-You") at Camp Pendleton.
This is the coup de grace. This is when I'm so surprised that I don't really know what to say because I'm so flabbergasted by this kid's audacity. First of all, Marines never say M E U, they say "myew", like it's a word. Second of all, there's no such thing as the 35th MEU, and even if it existed, it would be in Okinawa, not Pendleton. I MEF is in Pendleton, and all the MEUs start with 1 and end in an odd number. There's only one MEU that starts with 3, at III MEF, which is the 31st MEU in Okinawa, which I was a attached to for a year. Moving on, audacity turned into downright ....I dunno what. Maybe he suspected that I knew he was full of shit, because he almost started a pre-emptive counter-attack, which is something that only pathological liars can pull off.Him: How long were you in for?
Me: 5 years, you?
Him: (under his breath) 3 years. So why'd you get out? (Suspicious look)
Me: It was time to do something else.
Him: (Kinda cocky) Why didn't you try to get into recon?
Me: I was.
Him: (Continued suspicious look) Well why didn't you go for the SEALs?
Me: (As I was walking away, cuz I was tired of this clownmaster) Hey man, just cuz someone's shit smells better don't mean it ain't shit.
I know what you're thinking.You didn't say that!! "........just cuz someone's shit blahblahbla"
Yeah. Yeah I did. I'm such a fag, I know, but I've always liked that saying, and why not say it to some douchebag who is a LIAR?
Here's how he looked at me after I said it:
Like I'd said something profound.
What bothered me about his last statement is that he looked at me like I was some kind've quitter for getting out. Are you shitting me? Someone who is 100% lying to me is being condescending. Telling me that he was with the "35th M E U" is like telling someone who spent a couple years in the 101st that they were in the "17th Airborne down in Benning." It's absurd. I know why he brought up "recon," too. He was going for the "recon setup". That's where he tells me how he was "in recon," because compulsive liar wannabe-Marines are always
either snipers or in recon. ALWAYS.
Kind've like how Ft Benning cabbies are always former Rangers or SF.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Slade Smiley
has nothing on these people. What did I do to deserve this shit? People coming up to me and telling me lies for no fucking reason? I don't know them. I've never seen them before. I don't work with them. I have no influence on their lives. Yet they come up to me while I'm minding my own business at the gym or waiting for a train and tell me lies.
So I've made a decision.
I'm gonna start calling motherfuckers out.
I know you're probably wondering why I haven't been. Why I didn't say "hey faggot, there's no such officer program like that in the USMC, and I know you weren't in a STA platoon" or "Newsflash jackweed, the 35th MEU, not M.E.U., doesn't exist. You might wanna inform your roommate, the toothfairy."
The reason is simple: I've been too surprised to say anything, and/or I don't really give a shit about what they're saying. They seem so excited about pretending to have been in the Marines and meeting up with a pseudo-fellow Teufelhunden
, and I don't have the heart to snap them back to reality. I mean, we all know that Marine Corps Basic Training consists of scaling cliffs, navigating deadly obstacle courses with spinning blades, and slaying Lava Beasts.....and no one can top USMC uniforms for lookin' sharp.. But still... I'm through with these folks.
So my message to these active duty military
compulsive liars will be the following:
Dude, you're in the Army. Be proud of what you're doing. I know you're not doing anything "Hooah" out here in Japan right now, but as long as you take pride in your work and do it to the best of your abilities, no one will ever fault you. Again, you have a lot to be proud of.
...but the bottom line is, your fucking pants are on fire. Don't ever talk to me again or I'll tell your 1st Sgt what you're doing.