Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Holy crapola...

...it's been a while.

But check this out. I made an original funny today, and I know it's original because I looked on the googles and it wasn't there.

I commented on my friend's facebook picture and referred to some people as "hummus actuals". Say it really fast. You see? It sounds like "homosexuals", but it's actually constructed of two words that are not only completely related to one another, but also completely unrelated to homosexual people and homosexuality!

Then I thought about how awesome it would have been in the USMC if our team call sign was "Hummus Actual." I can 100% guarantiddly-dee you that no one would figure it out until it was too late. They would just think it was a strange callsign, or that there was some inside story to it and wouldn't bother to ask what it meant because people were always afraid of not being "in" on something. They'd think it was weird, but would be too worried about coming up with their own cool call signs like "stingray" or "cannibal" or "pipehitter." We'd be on a mission or something and it'd go down. We'd be talking on SATCOM so we'd have to speak. really. slowly. and. deliberately.

"Head. Hunter. Head. Hunter. This. Is. Huh. Muh. Sac. Shu. Al. I have you spittin' nickles. How me. Ohhhhhh-ver?"

We'd come back and people would be all pissed off, and then we could pretend like we didn't know what the big deal was. "Well, everyone on our team likes hummus for real. So like actually. Hummus actual. Why, what's up?"

Talking on the radio was always entertaining. In the movies, you see people grabbin the handset and talking clearly and expressing themselves clearly, but nothing could be farther from reality. Most people would completely lose their minds when they picked up the handset. They'd start stammering and forget what they were gonna say. I always prided myself on being able to freestyle on the radio nice and smooth, and throw a lot of passive-aggressive zingers at whoever happened to be in the rear. Smartass comments sound more funny when they're being said really slowly and deliberately for some reason. Something like, "Be. Advised. We. Cannot. Move. That. Distance. In. The. Given. Time. Because. We. Cannot. Fly." Little Joe will vouch for my radio shenanigans. I also liked saying stuff like "Roger that, and go fuck yourself", but keying off the mic during the profanities part and watching the expression on everyones' faces.

The whole radio snarkage thing got me in trouble once because I was reeeeaalllllyyy pushing the passive-aggressive-smartass envelope to people who I knew (and who knew that I knew) were much higher ranking than me back on the ship. It turned out that my snarkiness was being broadcasted on a speaker throughout the entire area, and I was told in no uncertain terms to "police myself". This may have contributed to me being put on shore patrol the first night we were in Guam, but I'm not sure.

Anyway, I've been a little nostalgic lately because I went back to Okinawa for a business trip the other week and saw the young Marines being bored and not really doing a whole lot. Part of me was envious of that. When we were't going on missions and being rude over the radio, we didn't do a whole lot. We'd show up to "work" at about 8:30am, sit round till 11:30am, go to lunch, come back around 1 or 1:30, sit around all day, then go home at 4 or 4:30. Hit the gym. Get dinner. Maybe watch a movie. Maybe go to Kinville and get drunk. Rinse, wash, and repeat. It was a good temporary life, I was with guys I loved, and I was meeting a lot of really cool people.

Unfortuantely though Kinville is a lot different these days, due to strict curfews affecting all marines on Island. Even the officers have to be back by midnight, so some of my favorite bars had closed down. It was deaderd'n shit out there. But I still love me some Kinville, and I was recognized by one of the bar owners about 5 minutes after I got there. I still have my Kinville pass, bitches.

Other than that, busybusybusy. I'm 1/3'd done with my masters, I'm training a lot, I'm kickin' it with the old lady, and everything else. Things are good. Just thought I'd put up a little update and let everyone know what's up.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's hard to explain RTO hi-jinx to regular joes - much less to the wifey. While my smart-assery was probably more veiled and only decipherable by our Inner Circle, I certainly had fun/vented at the 11th MEU's expense. (Interrogative. Do. You. Want. Me. To. Teach. You. How. To. Use. That. Radio. Over.)

I had a similar nastalgic rolick last week when the above-mentioned wife and I went to SF. We only spent one day in Monterey, but it was the highlight of the trip for both of us. The full circle moment for me was watching my son throw sand at seagulls while ankle-deep in the bay at Lovers' Point.


BTW - Bennet Compagno says hi to all of his biznatches outside of the 'Merica.


2:05 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

I liked throwing in excessive "breaks" too.

"Interrogative. Buuuuuuuureak."

i think we should have offered a "radio snark" class during the rrip. strategies on how to deliver the smartass coup-de-gras as the very last word in the transmission. passive-aggressive ignoring would also be a topic.

wade stopped by compagno's before coming to japan. id love to stop by there someday if i was ever in the area.

8:15 PM  
Blogger Hammer said...

"Negative. On. Promotion. Cannot. Keep. Mouth. Shut."

3:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah yes. I fondly remember you losing your shit over Mongo dribbling out brreeeaak, breeaak, breeeeaaak. Eyyyyeeee saaaayyy aaaaagaaaiiin... It was the joys of HF comms good sir.

I laugh about that stuff everytime I watch a movie that has some quasi-paramilitary group doing some random whatever mission. I love the part where they are 5 miles underground and only have a tinfoil beanie for an antenna and they get crystal clear comms with the entire US Pacific fleet.


8:57 AM  
Blogger Paul said...


poor mongo. remember when they forced him to use the callsign "girl clown"? i think the "break break break" incident happened the day i yelled at him for telling our brian to "shut up". then he got all indignant so durl made him climb a tree to get "eyes on".

i will say one thing about poor mongo tho. when we bumped him off a mission out of pure necessity, he took it like we did it cuz he sucked (which he did, but thats not why we bumped him) and he made a 180. id never seen behavior modification like that before. after that he was senor rockstar and i loved him to death.

and yeah i have trouble watching movies where they get intercontinental comms with a whip antennae. cuz, you know, there are hidden satcom repeaters all over the place just in case.

that is a fine example. dont forget the 'I. SAY. AGAIN." then repeat the original message.








meanwhile 1 gunny is losing his shit while 12 non-gunnies are giggling like schoolgirls.

8:02 PM  
Blogger Paul said...

oh, fadi --
did you ever get this one:

"(RRT) this is (RecceBat n00b), over. Do you guys know how to send a fill over VHF?"

that's when you knew things were gonna be real bad.

8:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It was usually more benign but obnoxious:

"(RRT) DE (STA team), OVER. Do you have comms with the ship? Over."

Then don't respond for a few hours. Eventually they will send a "leader's recon" over to your op site. Which, of course, they can't find, so you finally have to send some one out to get the two war criminals before they get everyone comprimised.

(Oh, and newsflash GI Jerome, a ghilly suit doesn't actually make you "invisible".)

- Fadi

1:56 AM  
Anonymous Matt said...

BOO! Fuck quarterly posts! "Oh, wahhh, I'm working on my master's degree!"


2:38 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

not being able to find our opsite would have been understandable, because we'd offset the 4th and 8th grid coordinate by about 3 just in case SOTG got nosey :D

3:30 PM  
Anonymous Vance said...

This is priceless, Paul. Even the comments are making my sides hurt.

"pipehitter"? Is that a veiled "Pulp Fiction" reference or was that platoon out in the field smoking crack?

5:05 AM  

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