Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Semper Sniffus

You ever meet someone who's always "on the sniff"? "Sniffing" is a word to describe a guy who is aggressively in the act of chasing women. A British friend always says it -- he calls people "sniffers" and describes some people as "always on the sniff". It perfectly conjures the image of a dog running around from person to person, sniffing asses and putting their nose in crotches, making situations embarrassing and a little awkward for the rest of civilized humanity. No matter where you are or what you're doing, they simply can't resist and enthusiastically give in to their urges. They can't not "put it out there" or make some comment to just about any woman that walks by. It's almost as if they can't go to bed at night unless they have some sort of banter with a woman, no matter how inappropriate the situation or how awkward a situation it might create.

Semper Sniffus -- Always Sniffing

Asia seems to attract a lot of these guys. Like A LOT. Like "Are you fucking kidding me?" a lot. And for the purpose of today's blog, I'm not going to be talking about young single guys -- it's natural for young guys running around Japan to be on the sniff -- who wouldn't be? I'm talking about older guys. Older married guys. Older like in-their-50s-guys who can't order food, get a ticket, or so much as walk down the street without throwin' out the "vibe". I like referring to these old guys as "creepsters". In Thailand, they are known as "Germans".

Why this behavior offends me

Believe it or not, I couldn't really care less of some dude it being unfaithful to his wife unless it directly effects me (i,e. I'm being called in for an investigation of his infidelity or I'm put in the "cover for this guy" or "rat him out" position that people are so fond of putting me in). Granted, I'm not going to trust the guy either. There was a guy I worked with in Afghanistan named Rob, whose nickname was "The Bipolar Express". I actually saw him shoot a loaded bus in the engine with an M4 once. Anyway, one time he told me about when he first started working border patrol (great job for "The Bipolar Express," I know). "I tell you man, I got the best advice my first day," he said, in the intense way he said anything and everything. "This guy told me to never trust guys who fuck around on their wives. He told me to watch 'em, and sure as shit, the guys that always talked about fucking around on their wives? Couldn't fuggin trust em man. So I never trust a man who fucks around on his wife. Ever." I thought this was pretty good advice, and in general, a pretty good way to calibrate your moral compass.

While I feel that whatever disfunctions exist between man and wife are between man and wife, sniffers still piss me off for a number of reasons, namely:

1) Stop wasting my time

I'd say 95% of the human-to-human-interaction-type jobs here (and by "here" I mean in the area I work, not in Japan) are filled by women, who in general are not ugly. Sometimes I'll walk into some personnel section and think to myself, "This is ridiculous, I can't believe no one is getting fired for unethical hiring practices." That's how bad it is some places. The result? It seems like whenever I'm trying to get some stupid paperwork done anywhere, there's some jackass sniffin' on the Japanese staff. This will always be a problem because even if the Japanese staff were direct enough to tell them to fuck off (most aren't), the sniffers are too socially inept to really understand that they're being told to go away. "Get the fuck out of your office? lolz you're so cute when you say that, I want to give you jellybeans. *sniffsniff*"

So pretty please, with sugar on top, stop sniffing on the support personnel. I need to get a signature most riki-tik and I probably left my lights on.

2) I have a problem with presumptuous people

I mentioned that I don't care about what goes on in someone else's relationship, but how do these guys know that? They don't. They just presume that I routinely violate the trust of a woman I have pledged my trust to, and that I condone similar actions. Why do these guys presume that I approve of their lifestyle? Why do they think that I'm OK with adultury and listening to their lecherrous thoughts on women that I work with? Do they think I never tire of the question, "Oh yeah? How's she look?" when talking about any member the opposite sex? And most importantly, why is it inappropriate for me to tell these guys that they're scumbags and to stop wasting my time by talking to every woman that walks by?!?!

3) I believe in Equality

Most people, particularly people who haven't historically enjoyed equal status, like to say they want equality, but they really don't mean it. Most people don't want to be equal -- most people want preferential treatment. They want to be acknowledged for being different, but only in a good way. Anything less, including being treated equally, isn't good enough for them. Sniffers put women on a pedestal and give them preferential treatment, in effect turning back the hands of Women's Equality because women don't have to perform equally if they are decent looking (again, subjective). I see it in a lot of interactions with the customer service women around here -- they have an attitude that most Japanese people simply don't have. I can hear it in their voice when they treat me like a sniffer and throw some snark at me, and I can see it in their shocked and horrified expressions when I sneer at them with naked disgust and repeat back whatever bullshit they chirped at me oh-so-passive-aggressively.

Holy crap, are you ok? You look like someone shot you in the face with a paintball gun.

No, Paully treated me with equality and professionalism, and I owe him thanks.

Yeah right. I wish it'd go down like that, but instead they say that I have a poor relationship with my mother or I am a misogynist. No shit -- informants have told me so. That's what they say, even though I'm their closest ally in the fight for equality.

I got a little off track there, but it's all related to the snifing epidemic and why it irritates me so much. Are you on always on the sniff? Are you married and you:

  • Compliment every woman in the service industry
  • Strike up meaningless conversations with women in the service industry
  • Ask service industry women retarded questions and interrupt them in their work
  • Make shit out of other guys in your party in an attempt to establish yourself as "the funny guy" when women are around
  • Ask about the status of every woman you come in contact with
  • Are unable to carry on a simple conversation because you can't keep your eyes off every woman that walks by
  • Make heavily nuanced comments about every woman that you meet
  • Be overly friendly and supportive to "good looking" (subjective) women at work and treat the swamp donkeys like non-people
  • If an outside sniffer takes an interest in "your women", refer to the person as a "pig" and repeatedly bring up the fact that he's married

    Answer yes to any of these real situations? Congrats, you're a sniffer, and I don't think we can be friends.
  • Labels:


    Blogger brando said...

    Congrats! You're quagmire.

    There was an episode on the other day where Quagmire is helping Lois with the flooring and he says something like "I must have minunderstood when you asked me to 'tear up your carpet'."

    I laughed pretty hard at that.

    4:25 PM  
    Blogger Paul said...

    Giggity giggity. That line made me laugh just reading it, as do many lines from the family guy.

    6:41 PM  
    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    O Jesus Paul... I crapped myself with the Swamp Donkey bit.

    An interesting twist in my neighborhood are the female sniffers. These girls are tanned, tucked, sucked, and injected into little barbie dream whore molds. They travel in packs, drink red-bull and vodkas like they're made out of water, and they will make you feel like you're in the meat display case at the Wikki-mart. Sometimes going out to the bar makes you feel like Loni Anderson in a fucked up version of WKRP.

    It's a scary world out there in singlesville.


    7:34 AM  
    Blogger Paul said...

    yeah joe, it sounds really rough for you.

    did they even have meat at the wiki?

    7:39 AM  
    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Oh... and apparently somebody forgot to tell the mayor of the largest glow-in-the-dark population on the planet that you DO NOT scratch the Yakuza boss's ride.


    10:18 AM  
    Anonymous AUA said...

    Sorry man, but I think I might be one of those guys :-( Well, except for the hitting on people whose job it is to humor me as a customer. How can you leer at someone who isn't allowed to tell you to fuck off at the risk of losing their job?

    10:27 AM  
    Anonymous Tony said...

    Aua, it's much easier than leering at someone who can tell you to fuck off whenever they want, believe me.

    I'm a literal crotch sniffer which is much more embarrassing for my friends than what Paul is talking about here.

    12:46 PM  
    Blogger Paul said...

    AUA? A sniffer?? Never!

    You're not married and you're not in your 50s. A lot of the behavior in my little list is pretty normal for guys [our] age, if it's in moderation (with the exception of harrassing some poor waitress working a double shift to make ends meet who has to smile and giggle at your stupid jokes cuz she doesnt want to lose her job.)

    your humor is self-depricating enough to where you are not likely a sniffer. a real sniffer will never make fun of himself while on the sniff.

    12:59 PM  
    Blogger A Unique Alias said...

    I'm not the sniffer you refer to in your post; that asshole who doesn't realize that the bartender doesn't like him at all but that she is being paid to be hospitable.

    By the time I'm 50, I'm damned well not going to be that guy unless I suffer head trauma.

    Dogging your buddies to look cool? Nah, it just means that for some reason he hangs out with people he doesn't like. Smart, real smart.

    9:05 PM  
    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    here come da judge, oh no, here come da judge.........

    12:21 AM  

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