Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Vatos Locos for Pan-American Citizenship?

I love living abroad.

To read about one nation's insanity is one thing; to experience it is another. And while Japan isn't the only whack place in the world, I can certainly appreciate it and get a good laugh out of it when Leaders of Nations say outrageous shit, especially about immigration laws.

Ok, as always, I'm going to talk in terms of comparisons. The way I see immigration laws, which differs from other peoples' view I'm sure, is similar to how I view the rules of someone else's house. (Notice that I didn't say "cultural rules", which I go out of my way to flagrantly violate on the regular.) Maybe at my house I put my feet up on the table, but maybe at Brando's house it's not allowed. I respect that. Maybe at Brando's house it's acceptable not to flush after dropping deuce, but maybe at my house it's a rule to flush and swab any skidmarks. He (generally) respects that. When I go over to Brando's house, I don't demand that he change the rules of his house to suit either my rules or my whims, because I am a guest and because I am not a contributor to his household. Nor do I make demands, verbal or written, about what his house rules should be. If I violate or ignore Brando's household rules, I will likely receive a warning or, worst case scenario, I will be persona non grata'd from Brandostan. If I do not like the rules of Brandostan or think that Madam President Wife is unreasonable, I am free to leave, and will likely be shown to the door.

As someone who lives abroad, has weathered the immigration law circus, and sees what happens to people when you don't, I feel like I have a pretty good spot on the old soap box de moral highground on which to speak. In any case, I saw a really funny quote in this article in yahoo news, which said the following:

Deportation is a sore issue in Guatemala, and Bush's host bluntly told him, "The Guatemalan people would have preferred a more clear and positive response — no more deportations."

He said it bluntly, did he. Look out.

I sometimes think it's a shame that our leaders aren't really allowed to make outrageous statements in response to other outrageous statements. Here's what "Bush's host" is saying:

People from our country who violate your immigration laws are not subject to your immigration laws, and become your problem when you catch them. Quit sending them back.

I mean, think about that for a second. Imagine if the neighbors' kids kept sneaking over to your house to fuck around on your lawn, and when you brought them back home, the parents said "Stop bringing them back." Now I understand that deportees have kids and whatnot, but the last time I checked, having kids wasn't an amnesty box for violating the law. To me, intentionally manipulating the sympathy of the American law system by having a couple kids once you get here makes the crime even more grievous. Bull. Shit. They say it's cruel to deport them away from their kids? They say their kids can't be deported because they're citizens and shouldn't be without parents? OK then -- your kids, your problem. Don't prey upon our sympathies and feelings towards children, which you obviously lack. Your kids are dual citizens and can come back whenever, but you can't. Enjoy your plane ride home.

Another thing I got a kick out of in the article was the last line, which said this:

Mayan priests had decided to purify the sacred archaeological site to eliminate "bad spirits" after Bush's visit, and Bush decided to purify the sacred achaeological site with an FAE to eliminate "bad priests" after his visit.

I made up the second half of that quote.

This line is a gem too, from an article about Bush's visit to Me-hee-ko:

Calderon has ridiculed the fence — a mix of physical and high-tech barriers — and likens it to the Berlin Wall.

Get el realo.

I guess history isn't required curriculum during the fast track to become the President of Mexico. "Well, let's see, can I make a holocaust reference here? Hm, no. Oh, I know, the Berlin Wall. That's a good one."

Again, if Outrageous yet Practical Outburst Man were President, he might say:

Hey Calderon -- you don't like us building a wall on our sovereign nation's soil? Too bad. If we want to build a giant chocolate sculpture of Fernando Cortez sodomizing Montezuma right there on I-5, we'll fucking do it. It's not the responsibility of the US to take care of Mexican citizens. That's your job. And to show you the irony of the whole situation, we'll build the wall using guest-worker Mexicans, guest pass expired upon completion of the wall. It should be a pretty good bargain at $.30 an hour. You wanna play the "who's the biggest asshole" game? We'll play. We're Americans. We invented that game.

What an awful thing to say. I'm sure glad Outrageous yet Practical Outburst man isn't President.

Listen up, folks. I'm all about migrant workers. I'm all about guest worker programs. If Americans feel that they are too good to do certain jobs, fuck 'em, someone else who values employment will do it, and do it well. But it's not a damn free-for-all, and while laws are a pain in the ass, they prevent chaos and abuse of the system. Again, I've experienced and am looking forward to years of the "Immigration Visa Game", and while I don't enjoy it, I do it. If nothing else, it keeps me eligible for international employment, which is something I would never ever give up.


Blogger brando said...

"Mayan priests had decided to purify the sacred archaeological site to eliminate "bad spirits" after Bush's visit"

I read that too and I loved it. Priests have willingly reduced their religion to "political cootie spray".

I absolutely loved using the cootie spray in 3rd grade, but I quickly realized it was pointless and childish. I suppose I should respect the cootie spray religion.

I'm actually chuckling right now imagining adults, in all seriousness, doing the cootie spray.

1:15 PM  
Blogger Paul said...

at first i thought you were saying "cooter spray" and i was a little confused. then i re-read it and it made sense, but wasnt nearly as funny.

remember when we were in college and we went to target and ur ATM card wasnt working. then i did a little injun dance in front of the ATM machine and told you to try again and it worked, at which point i grandly proclaimed,"See? That's religion"? adult cooter spraying kinda reminded me of that time.

i miss bein an anthro undergrad.

3:32 PM  
Blogger brando said...

That reminds me. Cullen's wife is preggers.

4:55 PM  
Blogger cyberninja said...

I read that too about the priests and thought, "Why aren't they doing something positive like trying to increase the quality of life for thier


8:47 PM  
Anonymous Mary said...

Cullen: You need to get yourself a blog to make important announcements.

11:28 PM  
Blogger Paul said...

that's kinda weird 'cuz i cant really think of cullen as anything other than an asexual being. i always wondered if he possessed genitalia, because he's not a man or a woman or anything really, he's just cullen. we just kind've accepted his gender because, well, that's what we were told, so we went along with it.

congrats to cullen tho -- for possessing a fully functioning undercarriage, and more importantly, for the incoming babychan.

9:09 AM  
Blogger Hammer said...

Paul's first comment made beer come out of my nose.


9:47 AM  

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