Tuesday, January 30, 2007

I am, how you say, hole of ass?

Anyone who's ever spent any amount of time in The
Suck, AKA the USMC, will tell you that scaling cliffs, playing death chess, and smartly brandishing marmaduke swords is hard work that changes a person.

Still, I don't think my experience in the Marines made me mean and definitely didn't make me cynical -- I consider myself to be optimistic to a fault -- I believe it made me realistic. This realism can often be misinterpreted as cynicism, because human beings are just so completely fucked up. Most people with certain experiences seem to be "cynical" or whatever, but it's just them seeing the world through a different pair of glasses and reacting accordingly.

In the Marines, especially in my unit (or any combat arms unit that doesn't have any women in it), being hurt is shameful. Simply put, if you are hurt, you are a pussy, and if you are truly hurt, don't complain about it because no one cares. Pain is something that you deal with on your own. (Notice that I didn't say "injured". There's no shame in snapping on the DZ or having some sort of injury that renders solid, no-shit proof, like an X-ray, a protruding bone, or a caved orbital. Caved orbitals are just manly.)

Believe it or not, the USMC has no shortage of people who pretend to be hurt when they're more than capable of completing the task at hand. Five years of witnessing this made me even more realistic (not cynical) when someone claims to be hurt....


.....especially when applying USMC "reality" to a 105 lb girl...

So this weekend we went snowboarding again. I wanted some practice for when I go "for real" with my friends, but the place we went to was super small (it literally took me 2 minutes to board to the bottom off the lift) and, unfortunately, the Missez hurt herself on the second run. I got to the bottom of the hill and saw her laying there on the ground, immobile.

"Ok, time to get up!" I said.

No movement

"Are you ok??" I asked impatiently.

Finally there was some movement. She had hurt her right elbow the last time we went boarding, so I figured this was more of the same -- a little bump with some theatrics thrown in for fun. I asked her if she was OK and she said her arm really hurt, so I told her to walk (slide?) it off and we hopped back in the chair to go back up.

When we de-seated, I accidentally knocked her over cuz, well, I'm still kinda figuring shit out, and she decided to sit that run out. I told her that I'd come back up in a few minutes and we could go back down together. When I came back up we boarded down again, and she said she wanted to go to the medical center.

We went and talked to the dude at the Medical Center, and she explained to him what was happening. He told her that maybe she should see a doctor, but I shrugged it off. I figured he was doing the typical Japanese-over-reaction, just in case her arm was really fucked up so he couldn't get blamed for anything. I finished up the day with a few more runs and came back, and we headed back to Tokyo by bus.

She was complaining a bit from the pain on the way back, and I was trying to figure out if it was a ligament or a tendon or something, but to be honest she didn't really react to any of the pressure I applied to the soft-tissue parts of her arm. The cartiledge, tendons, muscles, etc, seemed OK, so I didn't really know what the problem was.

I was reading Kyle Maynard's book, "No Excuses," which is an auto-biography about a dude who was a state high school wrestler even though he doesn't have any arms and legs.

"Look at this guy," I chided. "He doesn't have any arms and legs and he doesn't complain."

Aren't I just the funny guy?

So we got back to Tokyo and we cruised over to the hospital.

I'm sure you can probably figure what happened next, otherwise I wouldn't be writing about it.

Now, I don't normally do things that I feel absolutely and utterly horrible about. Normally I walk the Earth filled with righteousness and an arrogance found only in rigid caste-system societies or, I dunno, a society where there are a lot of dickheads about. But Sunday night was a definite exception. One of those times I just felt like the lowest creature on the planet. Like, I dunno, "The Supreme Reigning Overlord of the Planet of Assholia called, he wants his throne back" type shit.

Survey says....................Fractured elbow.

They say a picture's worth 1000 words..... This one says two specific words pretty well, which I deserved x infinity.

Once again, I was the Biggest Asshole in Tokyo, maybe in all of Japan. Maybe of the Far East. And that's saying a lot.

This is my public apology and acknowledgement of being the Hugest Asshole Ever. It isn't the first, and definitely won't be the last time I claim this dubious title, and believe you me, I'll be deservedly hearing about this one for quite some time.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

OH NO! I hope Aki is feeling better... I hope you're feeling worse. hahaha.

Your Sister

7:49 PM  
Blogger brando said...

Aki should feel proud that you're treating her as an equal, and not as a baby.

Fractured Elbow? That ain't hardly nuthin'.

"Boo boo bee boo, dowes youw wittle elbow hewt? Is it a wittle ouchy?"

Rub some dirt on it.

6:21 AM  
Anonymous Tony said...

We've already established that she's way too attractive to be dating you and now you seem to be compensating for it by being a dick. That makes sense.

The no arms and legs guy competes in jiu jitsu tournaments here in Chicago. He wins a lot which just baffles me. I think about that everytime I roll with someone who complains that they just can't work any submissions without a gi. Try doing it without arms or legs asshole.

7:14 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

brando, i do believe that at one point i said "..are ya hurt or injured?" i guess the hospital answered my question.

hey tony, the "no arms and legs guy" might not have any lower limbs, but he does have a name. sheesh. you're such an arm'n'legist. an armisist. a lego-armisist.

but yeah when i got the book i wondered how on earth someone without any limbs below the knees and elbows could wrestle, let alone pin people.

all in all the book was pretty good. sometimes i thought to myself "wow this guy is into himself and bragging a lot," but then i realized he didnt have any arms or legs so it was ok afterall. lotsa jesus stuff in there, which to me is pure irony, but i can appreciate how much it helped him and his family, which is A-OK to me. im all about the function.

8:39 AM  
Blogger Hammer said...

Oh man...

The "American Association of Knuckleheads" called and left a message for you. Something about a "Lifetime Achievement Award" I think.

12:51 PM  
Blogger brando said...

I just realized that you called it a Marmaduke sword.

Is that similar to the Parakeet, Globe and Anchor?

Or a full parakeet Colonel?

Or Camp Latrine?

1:54 PM  
Blogger Paul said...


im glad you noticed that.

in okinawa, we asked our OIC if he was going to bring the "marmaduke sword that elvis presley brought to tripoli" to the ball and he started getting really mad at us. so of course we kept saying it. over and over.

i always thought presley o'bannon always had a little bit of a mullet goin' on.

was the parakeet globe and anchor a comment directed at one of the horrible platoon murals that lookED like it was made by a bunch of kindergarten fingerpainters?

you know, i cant think of "full bird colonels" anymore without thinking of the time i didnt salute one that drove by in a car. he had his driver stop, he jumped out, shrieked something (so id turn around), he walked about 50 yards to me and demanded, "DID YOU NOT SEE THE BIRD ON THE FRONT OF MY CAR??"

i was so surprised. apparently having a bird on the front of your car means you have enough free time on your hands to have your driver pull over and yell at someone for not seeing it. after a good lifing, they'd always ask, "WHO YOU WITH, MARINE", like theyre gonna call up and tell on you. they never did. one time someone asked my drunk friend who he was with, and he said "im with this guy right here" and pointed to the person next to him. instant freakout.

man, i could go on and on.

"the fleet" is such a silly place.

2:44 PM  
Blogger brando said...

When I was in Infantry School, on one of the weekends, Randy and I thought we be all badass and run up Ole Smokey. (A hill in Camp Pendleton). Everyone else is out getting drunk and trying to get laid, and we're running up a 45 degree slope, just for fun.

We get to the top, and take some pictures, then we run/skate down because it's absurdly steep.

When we get down to the training area, a sgt from MCT starts yelling at us. He says that we're in his training area, and that we should have a medic with us, and that we could have gotten hurt, and blah, blah, blah.

He starts in with the "WHO ARE YOU WITH!" garbage and he says that he's going to give our 1st sgt a call, and that we're going to get in all sorts of trouble.

We were actually sort of worried, cause we were fresh out of bootcamp, and we knew how bad it could get. We just went to our plt cmdr, and told him about it, so at least he was prepared. He said three words.

"Fuck that POG!"

5:11 PM  
Blogger Paul said...

yeah. getting yelled at when im in the middle of improving myself was a gas too. like when i was at the gym on my offtime and got repeatedly lifed for not tucking my shirt in at the gym.

nothing quite said it like when we visited iwo jima tho. we got off at the airstrip and were told that we had 2 hours to do whatever, and if we were late thered be hell to pay (which, when on ship, is not far from the truth. they used to wait till we were underway to punish people for transgressions made months before.) anyway, we thought it would be cool to run to mt suribachi. it didnt look that far. and sure, it was hot and wed be running boots and ute's, but we were on iwo freaking jima, so any suffering we might experience was laughable, given the island's history.

well, suribachi was like 3 miles away, and it was horrifically hot so we took our blouses off while running, which isnt uncommon for boots n utes runs....which we got yelled at for when we reached the top. (mind you we were the only ones on the entire MEU that ran.)

one thing i hated about the marines is there were so many losers who would go out of their way to trivialize or ridicule any attempt at extra-curricular self improvement. you run during lunch or something and there was ALWAYS someone sitting there with a cast on or on crutches giving you a snarky, "ooh rah motivator, yukyukyuk" comment. then if i say "oohrah malingerer," im the asshole? it seemed so counter to the culture.

11:19 PM  
Blogger brando said...

I can just imagine the garbage you were saying to Aki.

"It hurts? Who are you? A doctor? I didn't think so. Get on the ski lift cause were gonna have some gotdang fun."

1:41 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

This recruit is very concerned about the appearance of his head.

You just let me worry about the appearance of your head.

This recruit requests to go to medical, sir.

Does it hurt?

No sir.

*poke poke* Get back on line.

10:15 AM  
Blogger brando said...

I like your title.

"Iiiiiit is Lieek....1000 penis...your ass."

5:47 PM  
Blogger Jinxy said...

I could totally kick that a deaf guy's ass, but I don't know about some wrestler with no arms and no legs.


12:14 PM  
Anonymous Uncle Mike said...

don't be so hard on yourself.......asshole.

3:02 PM  

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