Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Holy crapola...

...it's been a while.

But check this out. I made an original funny today, and I know it's original because I looked on the googles and it wasn't there.

I commented on my friend's facebook picture and referred to some people as "hummus actuals". Say it really fast. You see? It sounds like "homosexuals", but it's actually constructed of two words that are not only completely related to one another, but also completely unrelated to homosexual people and homosexuality!

Then I thought about how awesome it would have been in the USMC if our team call sign was "Hummus Actual." I can 100% guarantiddly-dee you that no one would figure it out until it was too late. They would just think it was a strange callsign, or that there was some inside story to it and wouldn't bother to ask what it meant because people were always afraid of not being "in" on something. They'd think it was weird, but would be too worried about coming up with their own cool call signs like "stingray" or "cannibal" or "pipehitter." We'd be on a mission or something and it'd go down. We'd be talking on SATCOM so we'd have to speak. really. slowly. and. deliberately.

"Head. Hunter. Head. Hunter. This. Is. Huh. Muh. Sac. Shu. Al. I have you spittin' nickles. How me. Ohhhhhh-ver?"

We'd come back and people would be all pissed off, and then we could pretend like we didn't know what the big deal was. "Well, everyone on our team likes hummus for real. So like actually. Hummus actual. Why, what's up?"

Talking on the radio was always entertaining. In the movies, you see people grabbin the handset and talking clearly and expressing themselves clearly, but nothing could be farther from reality. Most people would completely lose their minds when they picked up the handset. They'd start stammering and forget what they were gonna say. I always prided myself on being able to freestyle on the radio nice and smooth, and throw a lot of passive-aggressive zingers at whoever happened to be in the rear. Smartass comments sound more funny when they're being said really slowly and deliberately for some reason. Something like, "Be. Advised. We. Cannot. Move. That. Distance. In. The. Given. Time. Because. We. Cannot. Fly." Little Joe will vouch for my radio shenanigans. I also liked saying stuff like "Roger that, and go fuck yourself", but keying off the mic during the profanities part and watching the expression on everyones' faces.

The whole radio snarkage thing got me in trouble once because I was reeeeaalllllyyy pushing the passive-aggressive-smartass envelope to people who I knew (and who knew that I knew) were much higher ranking than me back on the ship. It turned out that my snarkiness was being broadcasted on a speaker throughout the entire area, and I was told in no uncertain terms to "police myself". This may have contributed to me being put on shore patrol the first night we were in Guam, but I'm not sure.

Anyway, I've been a little nostalgic lately because I went back to Okinawa for a business trip the other week and saw the young Marines being bored and not really doing a whole lot. Part of me was envious of that. When we were't going on missions and being rude over the radio, we didn't do a whole lot. We'd show up to "work" at about 8:30am, sit round till 11:30am, go to lunch, come back around 1 or 1:30, sit around all day, then go home at 4 or 4:30. Hit the gym. Get dinner. Maybe watch a movie. Maybe go to Kinville and get drunk. Rinse, wash, and repeat. It was a good temporary life, I was with guys I loved, and I was meeting a lot of really cool people.

Unfortuantely though Kinville is a lot different these days, due to strict curfews affecting all marines on Island. Even the officers have to be back by midnight, so some of my favorite bars had closed down. It was deaderd'n shit out there. But I still love me some Kinville, and I was recognized by one of the bar owners about 5 minutes after I got there. I still have my Kinville pass, bitches.

Other than that, busybusybusy. I'm 1/3'd done with my masters, I'm training a lot, I'm kickin' it with the old lady, and everything else. Things are good. Just thought I'd put up a little update and let everyone know what's up.